{kami rules}

My Entryway

2012-01-23T19:24:00.000-08:00

Who knew such a small room could cause such a ruckus? And who knew that changing the color of this room would change the feeling of the entire apartment? I sure didn't. But I kind of want to lay on the floor and just stare at the walls.

Because...

I painted it! I know, the laziest of the lazy, the girl who sits on her couch and tries to paint with her mind, actually got off her duff and gave it a go.

Mostly because of this awesome girl:

When Shannon said she was coming down for a few days, I thought, "NOW'S THE TIME! There's no one else on the planet that loves a good project more than Shan. No. One."

She was down and we got to work. She taped it all up and then I went to town. We used my paint sprayer. It freaked me out the first time because there's no on/off switch. You just pull the trigger and wait for something to happen. The first coat went on awesome. The second one....not so much.

So I had to face the inevitable. That I had to paint it the old fashioned way. So out I went to buy real live rollers and other cool stuff that I probably didn't need.

I'm not entirely sure what my resistance to doing things the right way is all about, but I'm pretty sure it's laziness. It's not hard, it's just time consuming. And I'm very inpatient. It's really time to let that go.

It used to look like this:

After 2 coats of paint, it's a totally different space.

Pay no mind to the basket of clothes in the background....and this isn't finished. It's just an idea of what I'm going for. I'm still not convinced that I love that cabinet in the entryway. I'm going to live with it for a little while and see how it goes.

Now onto the little stuff. Because I'm finishing this room BEFORE I move on.

I love lists. A lot.

~~Fill and sand holes.~~
~~Prime and paint walls.~~
~~Paint trim.~~
Remove hardware from back of front door, clean and polish.
~~Clean out entry way close~~t (Yes my mom was right, I don't want a coat rack anymore and would like to actually hang stuff up in the closet. It may mean a few sacrifices. P.S. Don't tell my mom I said she was right.).
Fix and paint closet doors. They need a fresh coat of glossy white.
Create a shade for the light fixture.
Paint hardware on closet doors.
Clean and oil door tracks. These are seriously disgusting.
~~Create some sort of entryway table.~~ I think I'll name it "Slim."
Decorate, not buying anything new. Yeah, this flew out the window when I realized I needed more supplies and that making my own entry table would cost just as much as buying the one i actually wanted. But after the table and a new rug (I couldn't help myself), no more purchasing. Yeah, that's probably a lie too.

After that is all finished, I can move on to the bathroom. No more waiting 12 months between painting jobs.

Onward!!

2012

2012-01-05T08:10:00.000-08:00

More talking, more listening, more reading, more writing, more creating, more sharing, more laughing, more hugging, more moving, more sleeping, more cleaning, more singing, more challenging, more learning, more planning, more traveling, more cooking, more growing, more watching, more loving.

There. I resolved.

A college memory....

2012-01-04T12:52:00.000-08:00

I got to see my friend Tonya last week. She's the funnest and most of the jokes I make today are ones that only she would understand.

This memory popped into my head after she, her husband and I had dinner.

When I was in grad school and trying to decide if I wanted to continue going to church, we would go to activities. Anyone who knows anyone in the LDS church knows how much they love their activities. Especially those young single adults. Crazy kids. Anyways, we went to a party that was thrown by someone in the ward. I believe it was a Halloween party.

I was stressing over the shirt I was wearing so I asked Tonya if it looked okay. She assured me that it did and off we went. I even remember it, it was a green striped boat neck tee. It was adorable. At least I thought so at the time...

The party refreshments included "un-fortune" cookies that, instead of something positive in them, had something like a fortune about when you were going to die or other some such Halloween nonsense.

Not mine.

I opened it and it read: "I can't believe you wore that shirt."

No lie.

Some new cuteness!

2012-01-03T18:37:00.000-08:00

Photography is not my cup o' tea. I wish I had tons of dollars to pay someone who is not lame to take pictures of my stuff. I wish I was home in the middle of the day so I could actually have some natural light for my photos.

All in due time....

But, I have added new things to my shop! Check 'em out:

2011-12-29T16:51:00.001-08:00

So I may or may not be freaking out a little because I now have a cute new JUST FOR ME header! Mans alive that's cute.

Handmade holidays are the BEST!

2011-12-26T18:34:00.000-08:00

I have to say, that Christmas 2011 was a success. For the second year in a row, I decided to make most of my gifts. I did buy some things for my mama, because she needed them, but for the most part, what I gave was all made by me.

Just the way I like it.

It's been so hard not to share all the projects. The cuteness was almost too much to take.

Take a look!!

I made three nativity sets for my family. The manger was not included in the pattern, so I had to make it up. It worked out pretty well I think! I made them with yarn and not thread, so they're a tad bigger than the pattern.

A lemon. I don't know what it is, but I love to crochet inanimate objects. One day, I think it'd be funny to do a refrigerator. I don't know why. So a lemon just seemed to make sense. Plus, if you know my mama, you know that she eats lemons because she's weird. She thinks they're treats. I don't get it. But they remind me of her. This pattern called for more rows in the middle. I opted to make it a little shorter. And I added eyes. Because most of these things look cuter with the eyes.

A baseball for my bro. Because he plays baseball. Simple enough. :) I added a chain strand for the markings instead of stitching. Sometimes stitching doesn't work out for me.

A golden snitch for my sis. My sister likes Harry Potter. A lot.

A golf ball and a tee for my bro-in-law. This was the only pattern I had to buy. But if you do a search for golf crochet pattern on etsy, it's sure to show up. I think this one might be my favorite. I glued them together so they can just sit on the shelf and stare at you. But not in a creepy way. In an adorable way.

Little monsters for the nieces and nephews. I made 10 of these babies. I'm exhausted.

I just realized that I have no pictures of the doilies, washcloths, and trinket boxes that were made. But alas, this post is long enough as it is.

Christmas memories! Have I done this before? Probably.

2011-12-21T07:56:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, there were several years when I was left alone by my bro and sis as they headed off to their dad's for Christmas Eve.

It was never as much fun when they were gone, but my mom always seemed to make it special. She makes one heck of a cheese ball. We all got new pajamas and watched movies. There was no reenactment of the Christmas story or any of that. Just me and mom and our treats. I suppose my dad was there somewhere, but for some reason I don't recall him spending many Christmas Eves with us. He was an odd duck that way. Chances are that he was working very early on Christmas, which meant that I was woken up around 4 am so he could see me open my presents.

Which, coincidentally, is why I think it's weird when people have to wait til 9 am for Christmas to "start."

Dudes, it was so over by 9 am. You could have expected at least 2 batches of Easybake cookies by then...

2011-12-19T07:38:00.000-08:00

Inhale all the love again, then exhale slowly and send all your love to the world, without any resistance... Your love is so great that you can send it to the entire world, and still it is endless.

-don Miguel Ruiz

I don't know about you, but I needed to read that today.

Can you feel the love tonight?

2011-12-15T08:51:00.000-08:00

I can't.

Have you ever spent any time reading the comments on the articles on Yahoo? I don't know why I waste my time mostly, but sometimes, I'm still in shock at how mean people can be.

Mean about things that have nothing to do with them. Mean about the people the article is reporting about. Mean about the way someone looks, acts, or behaves.

Mean for the sake of being mean. Snide. Rude comments that are only intended to ruffle feathers and most likely not based in fact.

I don't know why I go back and read them. I must get some sort of sick pleasure from it. Or it reaffirms that I'm not as mean...as....awesomeguyiloveamerica12039820.

Whatever my purpose, I suppose their meeting theirs. Because here I sit, feathers sufficiently ruffled.

This popped up on my facebook feed and I (and my feathers) decided to share:

Before you learned to speak, you loved with no effort; you forgave with no effort. It was natural to love; it was natural to forgive. don Miguel Ruiz.

Now I guess it's just natural for people to be a-holes. So what happened?

I'm pretty sure the internet didn't help. It removed every filter in our heads that tells us "hey, maybe we should do/say that because it might....."

But we were most likely having these thoughts before it becomes socially acceptable to anonymously attack a stranger on a yahoo comment board. Or anyone, for that matter.

Are our filters weaker? Are we getting meaner? Are we really treating others that poorly? If we come out of the womb knowing how to naturally love and forgive, where do those abilities go?

I still have mine. But I can attest they have been stifled. By life, what I was taught as a kid, and now...the dialogue in my head.

I am not the nicest person either. Elements of my personality combined with my DNA (from my daddy-o) sometimes turn me into a mean old bitty. I get that we all have that in us and that we were all taught to aspire those things in life that make people envy us.

But it's the filter part that I'm having a hard time with.

Prior to hitting that comment button, prior to saying something out loud, prior to sending that nasty email or gossiping, can we stop for one second and think, "is this really necessary?"

I bet that most times it's not.

And because I know that I'm human and will continue to be bugged by any number of things that don't matter, I'm seriously considering buying myself this:

Right? I think I need it.

12.12.12

2011-12-12T18:50:00.000-08:00

I know, it's 2011.

12.12.12 is the GOAL. That's the date. The date when I will have lost a lo-hot of weight.

I can't bring myself to tell you all how much I weigh. But if my pictures say anything, let's just say it's more than any girl my height should weigh. Perhaps when I reach my goal, I'll let you in on that secret.

For now, it's just too embarrassing.

Secret Santa in the House!

2011-12-07T19:22:00.000-08:00

I added a donation button to the right there, so those of you good people who'd like to contribute to my Secret Santa adventure could do it with ease!

Now, I've never used a donation button before. So if one of you good people could try it out, I can really see how it works. I'm interwebs challenged.

In order to keep it SECRET, please refer to my facebook posts for the details. Or email me. Or call. Or text. Whatever floats your boat. :D

Just so you all know, we're up to about $150, and that's not counting all the cool people from facebook who said they'd give. That's just through word of mouth and from awesome family members who never EVER hesitate to give, even when times are tough.

You are all awesome and I'm blessed to know you.

New boo-tays!

2011-12-04T17:23:00.000-08:00

Crappy iPhone pictures aside, how cute are these?

I made these for a friend. I didn't think that I could ever make them as cute as the originals, but as they started coming together, I could barely contain my excitement. I about died from cuteness overload.

You can get the pattern here.

I'm still a little in love with them. I won't lie.

Why women love Edward Cullen

2011-12-03T21:33:00.000-08:00

The Twilight "SAGA" is nothing short of a phenomenon, but I have to give it props for one thing and one thing only: making so much effing money.

How does that happen? I'm so curious, with as many ideas as I have floating around in my head (which may or may not be worth crap) how does ONE idea just take off? It's mind boggling.

You know what else is mind boggling? How many people love it.

When the first one came out, my friend and I decided to go see it after attending a party where there fancy drinks. This was when we discovered that these movies were so much better if you were a little tipsy and could see the ridiculousness behind it.

But people still pay. I did. I mean, I saw "Breaking Dawn" because it was to support the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, but I would have gone anyways. To make fun of it, to make fun of those who are so serious that if you diss it, you get mentally punched in the face.

Kind of like I do when someone disses the Dave. So I kind of get it. Kind of. I get the Harry Potter obsession more, but whatever. That's really irrelevant to this post.

My point is, is that there are really two types of people who love these movies. The people who take it seriously, and the people who say they don't take it seriously but secretly love it.

Guess which category I'm in?

I'm not making t-shirts or getting angry when people say it's stupid. I know it's stupid. But I'm mad for a different reason. 1-I'm pissed I didn't think of it first, and 2- I really do wish that men were still like the good ol' EC.

EC, not to be confused with Eternal Companion.

EC as in Edward Cullen, the brooding pale skinned, NICE GUY.

Why do women love him? He's respectful. He has her best interest (as ridiculous as it is that he has to protect her from....) at heart. He's smart. He's sensitive. He doesn't use the f-word as a verb. He's two appletini's away from being gay.

He's chivalrous. He takes his role as a man very seriously. Except for his stupid response of leaving her for her own protection (which has happened to me actually), he seems to be a grown up. If Bella wanted to have an actual conversation at some point, he would. He wouldn't send a text that says "wat u up 2" at 9 on a Saturday night and then pout when she doesn't immediately invite him over. I'm sure the 100 years he's had to learn all this helps.

It's unfortunate that he's not real and that he was created by a woman. Boo.

Because dating is a tad redonk these days.

Memories...

2011-12-01T18:41:00.000-08:00

Every Friday night, my mom and dad would make a huge bowl of popcorn and watch "Dallas."

I think of that every Friday night. Except for that it's Thursday. I thought of this because I want a huge bowl of popcorn right this very second.

And now I'm singing the theme song in my head.

Hopefully you are too. You're welcome.

I can't think of a title for this...

2011-12-01T08:40:00.000-08:00

Since deciding to move the University stuff over to this blog, the inspiration has been picking up a bit. Maybe it's something in the air. Or maybe it's the barometric pressure. For whatever reason, I like it.

In my bloggy perusing, I caught up on a blog written by Dan Pearce, who is affectionately known as Single Dad Laughing. I love how he actually talks. I know right? A man who talks. About his feelings, no less.

I kid, I kid.... *wink*

In this post he addresses why he has felt the need to be better than and treat others poorly.

As I was reading it, I thought "This dude is me. Only he's a dude. He has a kid. I have a cat. Boo."

Some of the truths that I hold dear are the ones he speaks about. Like the one that how we feel about and treat others is a direct reflection of how we feel about ourselves. I talked a little about it here and here.

But it is one idea that I know to be true for me. A very simplistic example of this is when I feel sick physically, I don't treat others as well as I do when I'm at my best.

Same concept. If I hate myself, then why should others get to feel good about themselves? And yes, I have had this thought. I have been that person who wants others to suffer because I'm suffering. I have been that person who thinks she's better than everyone. I've even had a client point that out to me. In group. In front of about 30 other people.

It was embarrassing to say the least, but she was absolutely correct.

How funny that someone who only knew me for about three weeks was able to pick up on that. What does that say about me?

I was putting off something that said, "I'm better than you because of....." My words and actions were portraying a person with an over inflated ego. Not personal satisfaction with my life, but pride in that the only validation that was good enough didn't come from within. It came from others, after I had put others down. HUGE difference there.

I was not feeling good enough.

I'm still surprised at how many people feel this way. But when you take a look around, and you see people attempting to win or get ahead or be better than, it's pretty clear that this issue isn't just something that I deal with alone. It seems to be very widespread. It seems to be something that a lot of people have in common.
That's awful. That means that we are mistreating others because we can't find happiness within ourselves. We then perpetuate the cycle by abusing others, who then grow up hating themselves, who then mistreat others because they hate themselves...oh no, I've gone cross-eyed...(name that movie)...

We used to think we only hurt others if we put our hands on them. Emotional/mental abuse does not get addressed as much as it should. Nobody talks about the way they taught their children to loathe themselves, probably mistakenly believing that this would motivate the child to do better. Or how a bully in school (who's most likely bullied at home) can teach someone that different means 'less than.'

And here I am, talking about it for the millionth time, like it's brand new information to me.

It's not. I'm just human. I forget.

So how does one learn to unconditionally love oneself?

I have no friggin' idea. At some point, you decide that you're worth more than the suffering. If you get through all the negative mistaken beliefs that affirm you're a piece of crap, you find a person. A person who deserves love and respect, because you exist.

I can hear the arguments in my head already so I'll just say this: Yes, I really do believe that people should be loved and respected because they were born. In spite of what they've done. Some of us are extremely misguided and there are consequences for those actions. However, I'm not responsible for handing down those consequences. It's not always easy and at any given time, I'm angry with someone because of how they choose to act. But I know that these people do these things because they're unhappy with themselves. It doesn't mean they shouldn't be held accountable for their decisions, it just means I get it. The understanding helps me accept what is and choose my own thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

With love. Always with love. For myself, for my loved ones, and for the misguided (which includes me).

It's ALL I can do.

Dear University,

2011-11-29T21:27:00.001-08:00

I"m giving thanks for my friends tonight, for all they do for me. While I've lost touch with some, I hope they know that I think of them often, remembering the incredibly stupid things we did. It makes me smile. Others I see more often, some of who are having a hard time. Comfort them and let them know that they are loved.

Love,

Kami

Now what?

2011-11-29T08:18:00.000-08:00

What an excellent question!

I've been going back over my posts (they date back to 2008) and have realized that I'm nothing but a big whiner.

So first off, I'm sorry! My life is not as aggravating as I make it sound. It's not as tragic as I make it sound. I certainly still have most of these frustrations that I've talked about, but it's my intention to talk about the good along with the bad. I know I've said that before. But I'm saying it again and I truly do want to be a more positive person. Some of the whiny rants may disappear. Because I don't really think they need to be out there anymore. I've said what I needed to say and that was the whole point.

I've also decided to move the "University" blog over here for reals. All of those posts have been imported. They're sorted by date. So if you'd like to catch up on a few, check out the new labels:

Cool Books, Dalai Lama, Dear University, don Miguel Ruiz, Get grateful, Law of Attraction, Make it Stop, My expert opinion, Relationships, Self Help, and Therapisty Stuff.

Take a gander why don't ya? :)

20/20 Home Cure: Graduation! I really want to make myself a certificate.

2011-11-29T07:45:00.000-08:00

It's graduation time from the 20/20 Home Cure! WOOT!

Here's what left my house.

3 garbage sacks of expired food. Before you get all "ewww" most of it was boxed or dry expired food that I just never used. Pretty sad when you think about it. But with the goal of eating mostly fresh, combined with the fact that I almost never bake or cook elaborate meals, I really couldn't remember why I had most of it in the first place. It still confuses me.
2 garbage sacks full of clothes.
1 "outbox" full of odds'n'ends that I have never used but for some reason, think I need.
1 ginormous DVD binder that I'm sure someone else will find useful.
Random things like expired medicine, old towels, and single socks. I find single socks everywhere.

What got reorganized:

My closet
My kitchen cabinets
My yarn
My makeup
My etsy shop supplies

Other randoms:

New yummy smelling "eco" cleaner. Lame, I'm not calling it that anymore. Now it's just lemon yumminess.
Filled in the holes in the ceilings.
Cleaned out the vacuum.
Got rid of all the old magazines.

Hmm. Now that I look at it, that's quite a bit I'd say! Well done, Kami.... Well done...

But it was not without the help of my mama. Who makes me do stuff even though I throw Raggedy Ann fits and tell her I don't wanna. And Shannon, who does it right along with me!

Oh yeah! And the tree is up. It's not decorated, but it's up. It was a battle. And I have the wounds to prove it.

Love you all!

Judgey McJudgerson needs to go away now....

2011-11-16T20:48:00.000-08:00

There are times when I wonder if how personal I should get on this here blog 'o mine. I've been warned by my employer that I should remember who I work for and that I'm to set a certain "standard" for the community.

Gag.

If I'm the shining example, then I'd say they aimed low. I dress like a hobo, I'm ornery, I continually complain about everything. So I hope people in the "community" aren't watching too closely....

What standard am I setting? The standard for misery? For sarcastic comments (I'm proud of these actually), for men bashing, for complaining that I'm too poor, too fat, too lazy, too blah blah blah.....?

But in reading some of the news, I'd say that there a lot of people modeling my behavior lately. Those who hate others to make themselves feel better, those who wallow in self pity, all in the hopes of their lives magically transforming without having to exert any effort whatsoever.

But I hate those people. It drives me nuts when someone wants something for nothing, or who bullies others, or who perpetuate bigotry and prejudice. However, I do it too. It just looks different.

So how do we change that? Some might say that I should pray. Some might say that I should give service. Some might say that I need a vacation. I personally think.....

....that I already do these things. Vacation aside, I pray all the time. To whoever will listen really, God, the University, my dad, my grandpa, the voices in my head. I give service all the time. It's my job, so technically it's not "service" but I certainly give of my time. I'm a good listener. I'm a good advice giver. Anyone who knows me knows I give advice freely, to anyone who'll listen really.

And still there is discontent. I'm disappointed in people. I'm disappointed in myself. Whether or not that's real, I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure that I'm trained to be disappointed, to point out the faults of others. But it bothers me that I'm like this. And it REALLY bothers me that a portion of the rest of the humans feel this way too. Because if we've become a community of people who hate ourselves, what better way to feel better than to prove that we're better than everyone else? Why else do we have this insane need to be right, to be in control, to have more than our neighbors?

Someone posted this on facebook today from a single dad, who for some reason, seems to get it.

Those who hate in the name of God or those people like me who feel the need to be right, we have it all wrong.

When did we pull so far away from loving each other that we have to beat each other down? When did winning become so important? When did it become so important to be better than? Since when does being a certain way make you a bad person?

Today, as I was driving down the road, I happened upon the homeless woman who stands on the corner of 21st and 3rd, holding her sad little sign, asking for help.

All I had was a dollar, but I rolled down my window anyways. As she came up to me, I noticed that she had makeup on. It wasn't done well and her eyebrows were all wonky. But it made me smile. For once, instead of yelling "get a job!" in my head, it just made me chuckle. Bless her, because in that moment, she was the better person.

I don't care if this woman is religious. I don't care that she's homeless. I don't care that she's unemployed. I love that she gets up in the morning and puts makeup on.

She told me to have a great day. I really hope that she used that dollar for a Diet Coke.

20/20 Home Cure: Day.....whatever

2011-11-16T19:44:00.000-08:00

I'm so behind. Why does that happen? Like on Facebook, how everyone says they're going to say what they're grateful for something every day in November?

I don't do that for this very reason. Boo.

I'm grateful for everything, by the way. I just want to throw that in there.

Back to the Home Cure. I totally missed a day. Day 14 should have been be media fast.

Which I didn't do.

Day 15: Fix one thing in your home.
Day 16: Surface Clean.
Day 17: Buy flowers.

That brings us to today: declutter medicine cabinet.

Also, I didn't do it. And I didn't do 16 or 15 either.

However, I did finally fill in the holes in my ceiling from switching out my lights. Which is good because they're like the size of quarters and I was really getting nervous about the size of bugs that could potentially crawl through them. That sentence wasn't grammatically correct, but you get the idea.

Since my mojo's gone missin', it's a BIG deal that this got done. So, I'm patting myself on the back for it.

Because I can.

And because it was all I could do. So technically that was my best!

Booya.

20/20 Home Cure: Day 14

2011-11-14T07:58:00.000-08:00

Day 14: Surface clean one room.

When I was a (very cool) sophomore in high school, I once had to take a class called World Civilization. My teacher was German, I can't remember his name. In fact, I don't remember much about the class other than it was a pain in the behind, and seemed quite irrelevant to my development as a human being. But, whatever.

One thing I do recall him saying, was this: "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

Is it now? I remember looking at my friend Megan and thinking, "I have no idea what that means and I don't care."

It wasn't until much much later when I realized that the crazy German man was just trying to teach us a lesson. And bless him for doing so, because I can't think of anything I'd rather do less than work with a bunch of snotty adolescents. No no, I much prefer working with people my age who have extended their adolescence into adulthood. That's called "dating."

Anyways, my point is is that i had no idea what he was talking about and I didn't figure it out until much much later in my own ~~adolescence~~ adulthood, that that phrase actually has origin and meaning. And it wasn't just something that he said, he was actually trying to get us to absorb information.

This was the only thing I absorbed from his class. But, I dare say that it was the most useful.

What does this have to do with the 20/20 home cure? Well, intentions are just wishes. And every day I wish that some how I will live in a different building, make more money, have better stuff, have painted my walls, or actually have the entire apartment clean at the same time. It's a small apartment so I don't think I'm reachin' for the stars here...

And every day, it doesn't happen. I mean to....but I don't.

As a therapist, there are two phrases that bug the shiz out of me when said by clients:

"I feel like....."
"I didn't mean to..."

Just reading them kind of pisses me off. What pisses me off more....is that I'm using these phrases all the time lately. In every area of my life, and it's really beginning to show.

Is it strictly apathy? Do I really not care? Do I not care that my house doesn't look like I love it?

I don't know (this is also a phrase that therapists don't like). I do care and I do mean well. But my motivation continues to elude me. I did put my dirty clothes in the hamper last night though, so that's a start.

Thank you German teacher man, because now that I've been enlightened, I'm kind of in hell.

Not tryin' to sound dramatic. I imagine that my issues with the apartment are deeper than I'm willing to get into here...that's a post for a different day.

The next time I catch myself saying "I didn't mean to...." I'm going to all therapisty on my ass and say, "Really? Cuz, you did."

That's what I'd say to a client.

11/11/11 at 11:11

2011-11-11T22:11:00.000-08:00

i made a wish.

it's really good.

20/20 Home Cure: Day 12 and 13

2011-11-09T16:14:00.000-08:00

Day 12: Buy Flowers. I bought yarn instead. I have a serious problem.
Day 13: Declutter Media:

This is the second time I've participated in this home cure. The first time, I took a look at my DVDs and thought, "Wow, those take up a lot of space."

My solution was to take them (actually I gave that project to my mom who took all the DVDs out of their cases, after alphabetising them) and put them into one of those books.

You know the ones:

Ahhh, the media binder.

But as it turns out, these are no longer my cup of tea. They're ugly. They're cumbersome. They're a pain in the butt. So what to do instead?

Well, I went in search of some cheap DVD/CD sleeves that would protect my stuff but take up even less room. And now all my DVDs are in one of those small CD boxes from Ikea.

I still need to label them all, but I know that they're in alphabetical order so if I'm looking for something, I have a good idea of where it is. Plus, it holds WAY more DVDs than that binder. All of my movies are in this tiny box, with room to spare. Now onto the CDs.

Who even has CDs anymore? This girl.

And now for a KamiRant. These things bug me more than anything these days. I try to choose to not be an a-hole.

Every day, when I drive through McDonald's to get my diet coke, I make a choice.

I choose to not be an a-hole.

Lemme 'splain.

To get to the drive through, you follow the arrow. Sometimes, when people are in a hurry, they go the wrong way and (in spite of the arrow's opposing direction) go the shorter way, I'm guessing to save 3 seconds. I'm sure their job is way more important than mine so they have to get there quicker.

Here, I drew you a diagram for reference:

Keep in mind, those arrows are painted on the ground.

This morning, this psycho hose beast in a Murano, followed me down 7th East, pulled in after me, and then tried to beat me by going the wrong way.

She did, but only because she almost hit me and I slammed on my breaks. I then proceeded to order and get ahead of her because I was faster at ordering.

So my question, is why are people such asses? Entitlement? Jackassiness? Complete and total lack of manners and consideration for anyone but themselves?

And speaking of cars, I can't stand it when people park where they shouldn't. Like at my place of employment, when in stead of taking one of the empty spaces that are designated for parking a vehicle, one will park along the curb.

Example 3: I'm grocery shopping and see a woman in a motorized cart trying to get to the bathroom. There are carts full of other people's crap in her way. These people, completely oblivious to the fact that there's someone behind them, who is clearly disabled, who needs to get to the restroom. She can't back up because there's another idiot behind her who is so engrossed in label reading, that she can't take notice of the woman in a cart, just sitting there because she's trapped.

Me: Are you trying to get to the bathroom?
Lady: Yeah....
Me: Let me move this cart out of your way.
Lady: Thanks.
Me: No Problem.

After this whole exchange, d-bag looks up...."Oh I'm sorry."

Are you now? Jerk. Pay attention.

I guess I am choosing to be an a-hole now. But I'm soooo irritated. I feel like this:

That's me pulling out my hair. In case you didn't get it.

You're welcome.

I'm done now.

20/20 Home Cure: Day 11

2011-11-07T21:20:00.000-08:00

Day 11: Room Surface Clean.

Today I'm going to focus on my bedroom. It seems to be the last place that gets any attention.

This weekend, I did all the other rooms: kitchen, bathroom, entryway, and living room with the new yummy smelling Mrs. Meyers cleaning supplies.

I'm a nerd but it's the little things ya know? Everything smelled like lemon verbena until I decided to make stir fry. Boo.

Bedroom list:

~~Clean out closet.~~ Yes I'm putting this on here so I can cross it off. That's how I roll.
~~Change sheets.~~ See above.
~~Get rid of gross bed skirt.~~ Hahahaha
Clean off dresser and night stand.
Paint night stand. If I get ambitious....it could happen...I don't have a whole lot goin' on right now. Spray painting seems to be the first thing I want to do when I'm bored.

Yeahhhhhh.....what's what I was going to do....but alas I read a book. A real live actual book, cover to cover. Good thing I had already done 1, 2, and 3...

Etsy shop is OPEN!

2011-11-04T21:42:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I feel like I should celebrate or something.

My first listing are these adorable (don't mind me tootin' my own horn) crochet button earrings.

You can find the listing here:

These are some cute hairpins I did as well. Haven't listed them yet....soon though!

I'm pretty pleased with how these turned out!

Anyone interested? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

20/20 Home Cure: Day 7-10

2011-11-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

I'm a slacker. I am not ashamed.

Day 7: Buy fresh flowers and sit for 10 minutes. I did not buy flowers. However, I did get some of that eco cleaner I was talking about.
Day 8: Establish a landing strip.
Day 9: Find a new recipe and cook tonight!
Day 10: Make a list of top 6 home needs.

Days 8 and 9 kind of flew out the window. However, they are on my list of things to do.
Day 10: All I do is make lists about what this house needs.

But the first 6 things I want to do as of today are as follows:

Fill in the holes in the ceiling from changing out the light fixtures.
Hang up curtains. I don't know how many times I have put this on my list. However, I now have the rods to hang them up on! That's a step in the right direction right?
Get rid of exercise bike, extra clothes, and extra bedding.
Deep clean kitchen and bathroom.
Purge purses and craft supplies. Again.
Paint nightstand and tv stand.

A lot of repeats there eh? Man. One day, it will all be done!!! On a good note, I have cleaned out my closet. It's awesome. I'm too lazy to take pictures of it. Boo for me!

20/20 Home Cure: Day 6

2011-11-04T19:59:00.000-07:00

Day 6: Surface clean one room. Same as the first day, this is not a deep clean. However, he says you can deep clean if you want to. Yeah...right...

On to some updates:
I sure didn't get my projects done. Boo. Although I did get my bills paid (or written out so I can strategically mail them) and my desk organized. I don't really know what my resistance is to cleaning but I suspect that it has something to do with living alone. While I'd like to have it perfectly put together, it's just not happening and since nobody sees it...it's very easy to lose track.

The hate of cleaning aside, what I do love is paying my bills. The new debt snowball has begun and while I don't follow as strict a budget as I could, I'm pleased with the results. 3 down, a helluva lot more to go, including the car and the apartment. It's insane. But certainly not as much as I thought. I definitely at not as bad off as I could be.

In other news, I have decided to start an esty shop. I don't know why really, other than to prove to myself that I can. I'll be sure to let everyone know when it's up and running. And I wouldn't hate you if you ordered something just so I can be sure how it all works. If I made enough money to hire a housekeeper, I'd be all set. That's my one and only goal people: To be able to pay people to do the things I don't want to do. Not a noble goal, but at least I'm striving for something....

It'd be really cool to save enough to pay someone to professionally paint the apartment. The 410 is looking mighty shabby these days. I relaly don't think a half-assed effort on my part is going to do anyone any good.

Onto some serious "getting rid of crap" now. I have decided to sell my exercise bike. Yes, it's the one I just bought. But I joined a gym and am having far more success with that than I did this bike. Plus, it takes up space.

I will also be posting some other furniture here soon. Just some odds and ends that I can do without...or that my mother is tired of storing for me...

mom quotage. it's been a while.

2011-10-31T14:14:00.000-07:00

me: i should have gotten beads!
mom: you want those beads you gave me back?
me: yeah.

2 minutes later....

me: i can't believe i'm taking those beads back.
mom: what beads? 10/29/11

mom: i guess it matters not. 10/29/11

nope, nope it doesn't.

20/20 Home Cure: Day 5

2011-10-28T13:29:00.000-07:00

Day 5: Buy or replenish one eco cleaner.

I'm actually thinking about how I can be greener in my home, but the thought of buying an "eco" cleaner makes me think "more expensive." I also hesitate if it means giving up my antibacterial wipes. I'm pretty sure I'd marry these if it were legal.

Such is life. Instead, I'm going to embrace the price and purchase some Mrs. Meyers Lemon Verbena all purpose cleaner. Yes, I know it's 8 bucks a bottle. But hey, I didn't buy the flowers this week all right?

I've been wanting it for a while but could never find a good reason....I may even splurge and get some bathroom cleaner too. And maybe some surface spray.

It's the packaging! I love the packaging.

20/20 Home Cure: Day 4

2011-10-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

Day 4: Get rid of one thing. Or a million.

On Sunday, I set up my outbox. It has 2 brand new rolls of clear contact paper, a huge DVD holder, and a bill organizer. I'm lucky in that my building has a donation area where I can put stuff that I no longer want. They also have a place for books and magazines, as well as a place for newspaper recycling. It makes it very simple.

Now if they only had a place for secure shredding, I'd be all set.

The next items on my list to get rid of are the exercise bike and the three boxes of shredding sitting under my desk. I did find a place that will do secure shredding cheaply, 9 bucks for 20 pounds. Who knows if I have that much, but I was excited. Some places charge up to 45 per box. Really? When the machine does all the work? Come on now. Granted, I could do it myself, but where's the fun in that?

The most difficult things for me to give away are the keepsakes. I have them everywhere, and I have a drawer in my dresser dedicated to things that I refuse to give up. I have journals and photos, little porcelain figurines, and tons of decorations that I'm not currently using. I have a whole plastic tub full of 'Wizard of Oz' stuff.

Sometimes I really wonder about myself....as I'm sure you all do too....a lot....

Now to go through the purses again. Because I'm not giving up the yarn or the makeup. The purses may have to go.

20/20 Home Cure: Day 3

2011-10-26T15:47:00.000-07:00

Day 3: Today is aspirational.

it seems like all i do is look at inspiration photos. i collect them here, i collect them on my computer, i tear them out of magazines, i'm on pinterest all the darn time. i think it's safe to say that i have plenty of inspiration.

my problem is that i can't make up my mind.

oh, and i'm lazy. and committing to something might actually include some real life work.

20/20 Home Cure 2011: Day 2

2011-10-25T07:45:00.000-07:00

Day 2: Buy fresh flowers.

i have yet to succeed at this challenge. mostly because i'm cheap. do you know how many skeins of yarn i can buy for 10 dolla? 4. that's a lot to me. so this one i struggle with.

that said, i'm beginning to think about having actual plants in my house. i'm totally not ready to commit though. i have to do some research first. my apartment faces north/east and doesn't get any direct sunlight. so we'll see.

20/20 Home Cure 2011: Day 1 and some out and abouts...

2011-10-25T07:41:00.000-07:00

you all may recall (that rhymed) the 20/20 home cure from 2010. it was a great thing. little did i know that a few months after completing it, my whole house would go kaput. so it's time to do it again, and I'M EXCITED!

why?

because someone is telling me what to do. i work better this way. and, it comes with lists. lots and lots of glorious lists that help me to feel organized and like i'm doing something when i'm really not.

also, tomorrow is the new moon. it's a good time to set new intentions and to focus on things that you're grateful for. but i'm a nerd that way. some people use this time to get clear about desires and work on vision boards and whatnot.

and this time, i also have the book.

DAY 1: 20 minute surface clean.

it's a good day to start this, as i just got home from spending 3 days at the cabin with my fam. of course this means that i haven't unpacked and my cat was able to destroy the place.

can you believe that we didn't take any pictures, except for the ginormous pizza that i'll add to this post later. we finished it. it was awesome.
what i really should have taken a picture of was myself, my sister, my bro and my mom, all doing crafts on the couch singing along to 'mama mia.'

guess who knows all the words? my bro. i thought my sister was good....

no he wasn't crocheting, but he did make me a rad bracelet. it involves fire, so i think that makes it more manly. manly crafting. my cute niece also made me a sweet key chain.
good times had by all.

someone remind me to take before pics....

do you have a goal?

2011-10-18T08:21:00.000-07:00

my blessed mama came over to help me organize this weekend. it may not seem like a lot to some people, but living alone, often times my motivation escapes me and i'm left in a big mess.

we cleaned out every single cabinet. i mean, it's not like my kitchen is huge, but every single cabinet was addressed. all the old food is gone. all the crap i don't use is gone. she cleaned my oven. i had forgotten it was white.

so with this new lovely clean kitchen, i'm back to dreaming about what i want my house to look like. i need to repaint. this is the biggest thing. however, if i thought my motivation was missing when i thought about cleaning my fridge, painting seems a million times more unpleasant.

so we're just going to look for now. k?

i'm still on the grey and yellow kick, but i can't help it. i also love that there's a brass lamp. i saw the coolest brass lamps at salvation army last week. i may have to go back.....i got this photo from here. i have no idea where she got it.

i also love this:

i really have no idea where this is going. i wonder if i'll just get sick of it like i did the brown? or if i should just go for it? or stick with all white? charcoal accents? charcoal entry way with brass light fixture? gah.

gah i say!!

and while we're on the subject of the apartment, let's take a look at how far i am on my goals from last year.

lemme sum up:

~~replace the plumbing.~~ if you'll recall, in january of this year, we had a plumbing incident in my building. it lead to the whole building losing water for about 3 days and then the news that the old plumbing system would not be turned back on. we originally had until march 31st to connect to the new system, this happened mid January. this was also when i was sick and my storage unit flooded. it was not a good month.
~~get the crafting situation under control.~~ also due to the plumbing incident, ALLLLL the craft supplies were moved out of the den. the den was painted and they have been moved back in. it's still not the way i want it, but i'm counting it because i like the way it looks crossed of. the yarn however, looks glorious.
~~find an attractive storage solution~~ for my photos and scrapbooks. so, this is also halfway done. i purchased 3 nice white leather albums. but i have 6 scrap books. so, that's like 50% right? right??
pull up the carpet. yeah, i don't know if this will ever happen.
repaint. hahaha, really.
~~new light fixtures.~~ DONE!
~~and keep selling the furniture that i can live without.~~ this is an ongoing thing. this past weekend, we also moved out another piece of furniture. right now, i believe i have most of what i want. i'd like a new couch, but not before selling my old one and certainly not before paying off the plumber. i think we're cool for now on the furniture situation.

so 4 and a half things finished? not too shabby. not as far as i'd like, but honestly, a lot further than i thought i'd be. i must have been high when i said june. who was i kidding? myself. i know. i just answered my own question.

revamped list:

patch holes (from track lighting) and paint ceilings white.
paint rest of the house. haha! i crack myself up. but if i do, it will be white.
accent wall? who knows. just throwin' it out there.
paint kitchen cabinets and floor.

revamped list on crack:

pull out carpet, replace with hardwood.
replace molding.
add molding in all rooms.
resurface tub and surround in bathroom.
install new vanity and sink in bathroom.
replace windows.
refinish doors and hardware.

but first, christmas!!!

happy coming out day!

2011-10-11T14:49:00.000-07:00

today is national coming out day! woot!

time to be fabulous, no matter what your sexual orientation.

i gotta say, being different is never easy. being REALLY different is darn near impossible at times. not only do you feel wrong, but people tell you you're wrong. being gay also comes with the threat of violence, something that i have never experienced. my difference could simply be changed by behavior modification.

but to feel that you are one way and then have people argue with you...yell at you...belittle you....put their hands on you... i can't imagine.

i have deep admiration for anyone who can face those things and still maintain a positive and loving attitude.

the force is strong with these ones... :)

2011-09-28T20:44:00.000-07:00

i have the best mom in the world. she's seriously the greatest. i know i'm not telling you anything you don't know.

but seriously, look how cute she is:

gosh darn, she's my favorite.

yep. pretty much the cutest mom ever. and i love her a lot.

september is ovarian cancer awareness month. my mom is a 15 year (wait, let me check my math...yeah, we're good) ovarian cancer survivor. well, i guess it depends on what date you're comin' from. it's been 15 years since the diagnosis, and about 14 1/2 since being declared cancer free.

it was scary. scary due to the fact that no one would really tell me what was going on. scary because it's known as the "silent killer..." dun dun DUUUUNNNNN. scary due to the fact that i was slightly nervous that i was going to be left alone with my dad if something happened to her....this is mostly in jest. mostly. :) you had to know him to understand.

what freaked me out the most is that if you don't catch it early, you're likely going to die. just how it works. finding hers was a complete ~~accident~~ miracle.

but she survived. if she had to have cancer, it happened in the best way possible. she'll certainly survive other things too.

because she can never die.

we've already had this discussion.

this post is dedicated to bovaries everywhere. it'd be cool if you'd stop trying to kill your humans.

thanks.

ps. doesn't this picture look suspiciously like my mother as a youngster?

Look!

eh?? do you see it?? crazy huh? she's pretty. :)

9/11

2011-09-11T14:44:00.000-07:00

i'm not really among the millions of people who feel the need to share where they were that day.

most of my sadness about this day stems from the fact that i now (ten years later) know people who were there. i know people who felt the soot, breathed the dust, watched their loved ones die. i know people who still can't sleep at night, who don't like to fly, and who enlisted because of this day.

they don't have to watch memorials, share where they were, or talk about how it made them feel.

because they lived it.

i did not.

i was nervous for sure. i filled up my car with gas just in case i had to get home in a hurry. i prayed.

i was a junior, i had just started my undergrad program, and had only 2 weeks before that learned who the taliban were. my understanding of terror was limited to sadam hussein and osama bin laden in name only. i had no idea what they did, why they hated us, or what was going on over there. my understanding of war was non existent. i just knew that it didn't happen here or to me.

as a stupid 22 year old, i knew that it was horrific and my heart broke for the people who were running away from those buildings.

but i didn't really know anything until this year. i suppose i didn't want to until now.

now, as more information has been released, i've listened to the tapes of the air traffic controllers who were frantically tyring to figure out what was going on. i've listened to the interviews of the wives who received phone calls from their husbands who knew they were about to die. i've read the accounts of those who were on the phone when the passengers and flight crew of united 93 decided that they were going to fight back.

so may acts of heroism occurred on that day. i thought i knew, but i didn't. i knew that passengers revolted, but i never knew what had actually occurred. i never knew where "let's roll!" came from. i knew that first responders were brave, but i didn't know how many weren't even supposed to be there that day, or who came out of retirement, or who had to make the choice to turn back even though they knew there were people still in those buildings. the survivors. the PTSD, the survivor's guilt, the depression, the cancer.

i had never thought about that before because i never had to. i guess most of us don't, but i feel badly that i didn't take more time to really understand what happened. obviously, it wasn't just planes running into buildings.

to everyone affected by that day, my most sincere gratitude and love. there are no other words.

what's the dealio?

2011-09-09T14:54:00.000-07:00

i always think i'm right.

i know, don't die of shock. i have a decent amount of common sense. i think this hinders me at times. like when i offer my opinion when people haven't asked for it.

(sorry friends)

or when i judge prematurely.

(sorry everyone)

or when i refuse to think outside the box.

(sorry university)

the good thing though is that the university knows what i need and promptly gives me a swift kick in the pants. i cry for a few days and then i figure out why all that had happened. of course, it was to teach me something, but really, i just think i needed to be brought back to reality. to remind me that i'm human and that me and my common sense don't have all the answers.

one thing that has recently been reaffirmed is that i'm loved. at this moment, i have everything i need, and there is no one in my life that abuses me.

i don't know everything, and i certainly i know nothing of suffering.

for those of you that do, i am in a constant state of prayer. mostly for peace and safety. my hope is that these people who choose to hurt others finally realize the consequences of their actions, take responsibility, and attempt to make amends.

in the past two weeks, there have been three attacks on homosexual men in my home state. THREE. three times, a group of guys decided it was a good idea to beat someone up because they don't like their "lifestyle."

now, say what you want about homosexuality. i know that i was born straight, so i think someone could know they were born gay. but whatever. beyond the "nature/nurture"debate, how does a one conclude in one's mind that it's okay to attack another person because of a disagreement?

such arrogance.

such entitlement.

such stupidity.

is this really about homosexuality? or is it about the need to be right?
i guess we all have it.

but for once, i don't feel like i'm needing to argue my point, i just wish i understood.

what happened to these men that made them so hateful? i've overheard adult males say all gay men are sick because they were abused by a male as a child. but i wonder, what if he was abused by a female? would he then hate all females?

what if a man raped your daughter, do you then hate all straight men? i don't ever hear about that.

if you believe in a god who has said that homosexuality is wrong, why can't you just say, "okay, well we won't be seeing you in heaven," and let people live their lives on earth in peace? why can't some people get over it?

is it imperative that you tell everyone (or beat their faces in) so they know that you don't agree? why are you so important? why is your view so important? what makes you so special? why can't you use your words? as in, "i disagree." done. boom. let's move on.

where does it come from and how can we stop it? because this is ridiculous.

am i reachin' for the stars here?

i know...i think i'm right again. *sigh*

but all i can control are my own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

so for now, personal challenge: check my judgements. be grateful for the life that i have. be awesome.

amen.

partyin' like it's 1999!

2011-09-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

bear lake 2011 baby.

which is code for a lot of good beverages...

gang signs. the goggles make it gangster...

a whole crap load of yarn...

what is this called?

getting arrested...

taking pretty pictures...

makin' stuff....

like baby hats and crazy pills...

i'm still trying to figure out what this is, but i LIKE it!

and nothing beats spending days with two of my bestest friends!

i nominate this as our theme song. you're welcome.

what do ya know?

2011-08-31T09:19:00.000-07:00

i've appropriately named my health issues "what the hell is the matter with me?" but what i really hate, is that when i acknowledged that there is a problem, i seemed to be even more tired. kind of like when you tell someone they are borderline and then they start acting like it whether they really are or not?

i hate that. why do humans do that? ps. if you really want to mess with someone, tell them they're borderline.

not that i would ever do that....that's just mean. what kind of person do you think i am?

a few months ago, i got tired of being tired. i wasn't sick and tired. just tired. and i'm still tired. tired tired tired. understandably, this makes it so i don't want to do anything outside of work (i don't really even want to work) and sleep, and the occasional hang out with my peeps. beyond that, you can pretty much forget it.

but then, i learned even more about what could possibly be going on.

i was diagnosed with hypothyroidism as a teenager. basically that meant that i could sleep like nobody's business. i still can. in fact, a little while ago, i asked my mom why she never comes to visit and she said, "because you're always asleep."

it's true.

after 16 years of this garbage though, i decided that i was going to research thyroid problems myself and found out that there isn't a ton of information on the subject. it seems that a lot of general practitioners will see someone who is overweight and fatigued, put them on a pill (the only one they tell you about) and hope that it raises something that they will test later on. i don't know the technical terms.

little did i know, it just isn't that simple.

fast forward to now, i google the shit out of everything. and what do ya know, there are a ton of people out there with the same problem. people with "normal" blood tests but who still have the same symptoms, the most common being exhaustion.

how in the world does that mean the problem is addressed? i discovered there is another medication that some people have been on for years and do really well. as in, they don't burst into tears when they realize that they might not get enough sleep to be ready for the next day.

fortunately, i work in a place where i'm surrounded by people that are smarter than me. twice in one week, it was suggested that i talk to someone who may, i don't know, specialize in this sort of thing.

why didn't i ever think of that? well....i never thought about until now. my tests were always normal. i don't blame the original doctor, but i can't help but wonder how the last 16 years of my life would have been different if he would have just said, "hey you know, i don't know much more about this. let's send you to someone who does." i perhaps would not have had such a difficult time.

i'm just sayin' is all. not blaming. but it does make me a little sad that i spend my entire college career like this. i think that disappoints me the most.

anyhoo, fast forward to doctor. he asked me why i came to see him. i blurted out how tired i am and how i can't do it anymore. he just nodded. i told him about my experience with synthroid. he just nodded. i told him how my tests were always normal. he just nodded. i asked him if that was normal. he shook his head. he said, "that's common, not normal." which made me feel better oddly enough. i feel stupid for not questioning my treatment earlier. but i trusted what my doctor told me. he said that was also common, but not normal.

g to the a to the h. GAH. you heard me.

but i can't tell you how rewarding it was to feel like someone was actually paying attention and was willing to treat my symptoms. instead of the usual blank stare that i get when i tell doctors i'm tired. i know that i'm responsible for most of this, but there is vindication as well. perhaps this isn't all my fault. it was nice to not receive the standard response:

"you know, if you lost weight you'd feel better."

NO KIDDING? i know. i know all about that. but if i'm trying to stay awake when i'm driving my car, what makes you think i give a crap about exercising? really?

sometimes i want to take their faces in my hands and make them look at me and say, "LISTEN TO ME SMALLS."

so now onto the plan of action. he decreased one med, added 2 others, and a mega dose of vitamin d. i feel better and more awake than i can remember.

it's been 6 days.

i gotta say, i was never more excited to go to the doctor.

2011-08-07T11:18:00.000-07:00

oh how the tables have turned.

when i was little, vacation meant going along with mom on a sales trip to wild and exotic places like price utah. sometimes, if we were lucky, we'd make it to vernal, where you could find the best indian trading posts in the world. at least that's what i thought. you could buy polished rocks. and leather pouches. and then you put the polished rocks in the leather pouches. if i was smarter then, i would have used said pouch to beat people with, but that thought never occurred to me until just now. what a good weapon!! man, wasted opportunity right there.

NOW, it's my turn to take mom on business trips, to the wild and exotic st. george. which, i think it's a major step up from price. we're moving up in the world. i used to get locked in the motel room while she worked.

i had to leave her in the room this time. i told her that she better not have too much fun without me! at least she's old enough to leave the room. i was left with strict instructions to leave the door locked and not to leave for anything. ever. she was left with strict instructions to have dinner waiting and the room straightened before i return. she did well!

but seriously folks, traveling with the mom is the best ever. she's hilarious and very easy going. she puts up with me wanting to watch the 'simpsons' non stop and didn't even complain when i made her watch the entire 3 hours of the bachelorette on monday night. even though i knew who she picked.

little tidbit: i would have picked jp too. he was the manliest of the bunch. perhaps it was the shaved head or the jealousy issues. what can i say? old attractions die hard. i really wanted bentley to grow some balls and show up for the "after" show thought. that was a big disappointment. and my assessment of this jerk hasn't changed. even with his cronies (who i suspect are just as big as douches as he is) defending him, no amount of editing can take away the things he said. even if he added a "just kidding!" after every damn sentence, he still was being himself, the narcissistic a hole that we all love to hate. AND if he was "just kidding" or if his statements truly were edited to make him look bad, he would have shown up with an explanation. because that's what grown ups do. we don't let our best friends tell everyone that we're not really bad people and disappear. cowards and those who are shamed of their behavior disappear. even william, the biggest idiot ever, was brave enough to face the music. and alllll the guys who lived with him....have the same opinion that we the public do. so....i'm sure that there were just as many douche moments off camera as there were on. just sayin' is all. don't judge me for watching this garbage. you can judge me for judging him though. that's fair. but he did give me a lot of material to work with.....

anyways...back to the trip.

we swam, we ate, we saw "the little mermaid" at tuacahn. it was a good time. it was like being on a 'sorta' vacation. a little work thrown in there, but for them most part, we partied like it was 1999. and we have the crocheted goods to prove it!

i'm totally buggin'...

2011-07-28T19:48:00.000-07:00

on an adorable craft blog i read, she confessed that she's over certain trends that have been circulating the interwebs lately. i have been thinking about this a LOT lately, mostly in regards to my house, which i'm afraid of making too trendy in that i'll have to change everything in a few years. you know, kind of like i did with the turquoise and brown fiasco?

a couple of things that she mentioned are chevrons (i'm not entirely over stripes, but i think i've passed the chevron stage..okay, unless it's crochet. then it's adorable.), burlap, insane amounts of ruffles, headbands (the out of control ones), and those craft bloggers who brag about their husbands. i would like to add bunting, subway art, silhouette whatevers, making things out of palettes, and INSANE newborn infant photos where it looks like the baby has been contorted into the most unnatural of positions. not that the babies aren't adorable and the hats they are modeling aren't the cutest. it just looks...uncomfortable. i could also do without all these women who weigh a lot less than me complaining that they're fat. i'm sorry girlies. no one is going to win the "i'm so fat" contest with me. so stop trying and stop hating the fact that you'll never have your "pre-baby body" back. and when you say you have 10 pounds to lose, you're not going to get much sympathy from this girl. just the way it is.

in the yarn worlds, i'm tired of....hmmm....i can't think of anything. this may be what bugs other people about me!! :) i'm okay with that. we all have our things. i've been in a bit of a yarn rut lately, but have some ideas mulling around that i need to work on. mostly with creating new patterns. that's hard people. plus, i forget to write stuff down. when someone asks me how i did something, i say, "hell if i know." sorry. :/

trends i can't let go of:
ampersands. i'm sure this will fade eventually. it feels very fleeting.
initials. i love my initials on everything.
i still like chalkboard paint, but for the color and texture, and not really to use actual chalk on. unless it's cute!
yellow and grey and any variation of this color combination. however, i've also been into navy lately. which is weird because i have never been a 'blue' girl in my life.
mid century. it's so old it's vintage now. that makes it cool.
design and recipe blogs.
small space living. i kind of have to be considering my apartment, but it's become much like a giant game of tetris. how it all fits is beyond me.

i have no idea why i felt compelled to say all this. it's been bugging me for a while. i suppose i'm ready for the next big thing. and please don't let it be made out of paint chips.

thanks.

THAT SAID, i do admire the mood boards that sadie and stella create i've entered to win a moooooood board. i want to win so bad. mostly because i need people to tell me what to do. i'm seriously stuck and if i'm not careful, i may relapse back into ruffle burlap land.

and we just can't have that.

and just so ya'll know, shannon and i have just recorded the first few tracks for our demos. be looking for good things comin' you way folks!

2011-07-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

i've lost my mojo.

seems i need another attitude adjustment. again. for the brazillionth time.

but that doesn't mean that good things aren't happening. i was able to go to st. george recently and veg out by the pool for a week. and, i just found out that i get to go back. there is a clinic there that needs coverage. it's a good time, and warm and sunny.

and this time i'm taking my MOM because she's AWESOME!

we don't get many vacations these days. even though i have to work, it's still a break from the ordinary with new faces and sometimes happy clients. :D

in other news, i'm cutting a demo! haha, i've always wanted to say that. it's shaping up to be a very fantastic representation of what i can do vocally. people have said that they want to hear what i sound like and now i'll actually have something to give them. i'm pretty darn excited about it, plus i get to hang out with some pretty darn cool peeps in the process.

good love is on the way.

my four cents....

2011-07-11T18:05:00.000-07:00

i suppose by now you can hear the rumblings of the jaycee dugard story, now that she's chosen to speak about it and if you're like me, you are entirely too lazy to read the book.

forget about the trauma and the details of abuse.

those don't shock me anymore sadly and i really don't care to hear about them. i know what happened.

what i'm constantly amazed at is how resilient the human spirit is and if we choose to thrive, we will. no matter what situation we are in. it's proof that even in the darkest of places, we still control our minds and our hearts.

it's too bad that it takes a such extreme example to remind us of that.

coincidentally, here is today's don quotation:

You are the force that is life. You are alive because of the power of God, which is the power of life. You are the force that is life, but because you are able to think at the level of the mind, you forget what you really are.

jaycee didn't forget who she was, but too many of us do. i think she is a remarkable, but i don't think she's the exception.

for those who say, "i could never endure that." yes you could. what other choice would you have?

changin' it up yo's

2011-07-09T21:05:00.000-07:00

i'm moving the university over to this blog. seeing as i have 10 followers here, and 4 over there, i imagine the number of readers will go up. eh? did i just do math?

anyhoo....i was going to post this over there...but like i said, this has become a full service blog. not like that, perverts.

dear university,

i hate money.
i miss diet coke. i started drinking it again. it's like crack.
i'm tired of hearing about casey anthony.
i feel like i can't do anything right.

in fact, this morning i think i mumbled something like this:

i'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, superman!

i'm not a man, but i'm quoting one. homer. homer the wise.

then i threw a fit like this when i had to get out of bed:

when i was done, i prayed to homer again and then dragged my sorry arse out of bed.

and then i got this in my email:

I always do my best. Doing my best means taking action. When I want to change my life, it's action that makes the difference. With repetition and practice, I can master anything. don Miguel Ruiz

eff. i got what i asked for.

the 4th agreement is to always do your best. do i?

no.

not lately. probably not ever.

i'm in this current situation because i'm lazy and do the minimum. bottom line.

i thought not taking things personally or not making assumptions or not being impeccable with my word were the hard ones. they're not. this last one is the one that makes the other three work. i haven't been doing my best for a long time. i've been doing the minimum. it doesn't matter how i try to spin things, i've been content with doing just enough for a loooooong time.

why would i choose to be happy with that? am i afraid of work? am i embarrassed? am i scared? do i just not care?

i don't really know yet. but i have to figure it out, or this blah-ness is what i have to look forward to for the rest of my life.

that i know i'm not okay with.

mom quote!

2011-06-28T19:52:00.000-07:00

look at that cute little thing? that's a cute little thing. isn't that a cute little thing? how cute is that little thing? that's cute. i like it.

i bet you can't guess what she's talking about....

would a fly without wings be called a 'walk'?

2011-06-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

good weekend with a good friend helpin' me change light fixtures.

he. did. all. 6. of. them.

the last one he pretty much had no light left. it took all day. and i'm dumb and made him drive all the way back to ikea to get more lights for him to do. good sport right there.

i watched. but i'm sure that if i had to, i could do it myself now. buh-bye now track lighting. you will not believe how many light bulbs we pulled outta here. like 20. 20 light bulbs.

wanna see? here come some super sweet iPhone (yes, i now am cool and own an iPhone) pictures:

please note that my kitchen was clean before we started. afterwards, not so much. i can still walk under this light. but anyone taller may have to just...walk around it.

tall people don't venture to my apartment much though so i'm not too worried about it.

onward!

the living room. this same fixture is also now in my bedroom. it's so cute. i see i need a lamp in that corner though...i gotta get on it.

the bathroom! have you seen the AWFUL selection of vanity lighting available today? seriously, not everyone is in their mid-50's-late 80's people. so, my brilliant self contacted designy friend extraordinaire steph and she lead me to this beauty. it's track lighting from ikea, only we put it on the wall instead of the ceiling. she's the smartest.

and while we're on the subject of decorating, i finally (after ~~almost a year~~ months of prodding), hung some stuff up at work.

i had some sort of resistance to it. you never know when you're going to have to pick up and run.

but, i caved.

behold! my first attempt at a very small gallery wall:

pretty sweet huh?

on to other updates!

biggest loser:

i am not the biggest loser. i am however, still losing.

down 10 pounds. in 8 weeks. so i suppose if i'm going the healthy route (i.e. the reallllly slow route) i'm right on track at just slightly above a pound a week. but there were a few weeks of gain in there.

still no caffeine. two weeks and one day!! booya. now all i have to do is kick the artificial sweeteners and it'll be smooth sailin' from here on out.

quality commode time

2011-06-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

how well do each of you know your toilet? just sayin'. i told you that mcdonalds was going to kill me right? remember that?

i was right! i can tell the future. kind of. it didn't kill me. but it tried.

i won't give you the in's and out's (mostly out's) of food poisoning, but let's just say that i thought i was going to die.

D.I.E.

mostly because if something happened in my building, there was no way that i was gettin' up and runnin' away. i thought, "just take me building. we'll go down together."

mom and i suffered the food poisoning together. it was bad. but it helped me really cut back on my diet coke.

i haven't had caffeine for 11 days. it feels like forever. the headache didn't kick in until about day 5, but it's mostly gone now. but i'm still so very tired.

i don't know how anyone lives without it still. how does anyone live without it? i'm exhausted.

this post is lame. boo. i don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that this is all i have to talk about....

obligatory father's day post.

2011-06-19T20:49:00.000-07:00

if you browse the internet crafty blogs like i do, no one can shut up about father's day. father's day gift ideas, father's day treat ideas, father's day blah blah blah ideas, it's everywhere. as it is every year i suppose. i wasn't so into the blogging thing last year so i guess i didn't notice.

it kinda bugs. as i've said in the past, i loved my dad dearly, but he's gone. i'm not too emotional about that anymore, other than it would be cool to still have a dad. but then he would die eventually, so i'm kind of stuck in the middle. because of all the craftyness lately, i think if he were here, i'd redo a filing cabinet for him. for his special files, like the ones he had on me. which really was just full of notes i wrote him and pictures i drew for him when i was little. he saved them all.

i so miss him. but i'm grateful i don't have to lose him again. if that makes any sense. and i'll repeat that every year. you've been warned.

father's day has become really a second mother's day for me. the universe knew what it was doing. if i had to lose one, he left me the one i needed.

my mom. is. RAD.

i wonder if people think i'm weird for wanting to spend so much time with her....and it's not even that much. i see her maybe twice a week. we do talk almost every day. because i can't live without her. the older i get the more time i want to spend with her because she's so great and i don't want to have any regrets after she's gone.

so if you think it's weird, you either (a) don't know my mom or (b) don't really know me.

it's not like i live in her basement.

yet.

i'm not ruling anything out.

2011-06-08T18:06:00.000-07:00

I think I just found my dream living room....do you see the brass? DO YOU SEE IT??

image source

musings if you will...

2011-06-06T15:05:00.000-07:00

things in my mind: get ready.

are you ready? you looked like you weren't paying attention.

k, here goes.

brass is on it's way back in. actually, it's back. but real brass, not 1990 brass.

this is good news for my brass bed. my 1800's brass bed with the lovely patina and missing pieces. while i was thinking of putting it into storage, i think i'm going to keep it around. seeing as i like to follow trends and all. i'm still debating on whether or not to get rid of the box spring. i'll let you know. because i know you all were wondering. did you all know that brass was back? i bet you were wondering that too.

i have yet to find suitable inspiration photos for my apartment. i kind of think i see what i want in my head but then i look at the apartment and think, "meh." maybe that's why i'm fine with keeping the brass bed. considering the moderate amount of effort it would take to move it. no thanks.

i want to buy my new couch NOW.

i want to move NOW.

i have no interest in the twilight thingy except for that i like kristen stewart as bella and i like robert pattinson as edward. as themselves, not so much. i kind of wish that's what they were like in real life.

i can't stop watching documentaries. i'm now sufficiently convinced that i'm going to die from something very very soon. i can't tell you what though, because i don't know what's more lethal: mcdonalds, bottled water, republicans, or corn-fed beef. all i know is that we're all goin' down.

working full time is lame. but it's kind of okay, because the weather here sucks so i don't feel so bad being stuck in my office all day. i kind if wish that it would continue to suck except for the few days that i have planned to be outside. then i expect perfection. hear that utah? PERFECTION.

drive in's rule. we should go every weekend.

i have introduced myself to sunflower market. best hummus you didn't make yourself. i'm not even kidding. too many yuppies though, and too many judgmental stares at my handbag. not everyone wants a hemp wallet on a string okay? leave me alone. all i wanted was some hummus and chicken.

i got my chicken dammit and it's delicious. up yours hippies (yuppies pretending to be hippies).

and last but not least, i can't believe i'm missing this:

i know i know, it's just a show. or a bunch of shows. with some really cool after shows.

so, just to make myself feel better:

that's the way it should be....

it's okay to try new things?

2011-06-02T18:43:00.000-07:00

do we have time for a smoothie post? i think so. in my quest to find what i like and then actually eat it when i get home, i'm open to websites who make yummy things that are actually good for you.

enter steph, who i must say, has become a healthy eating guru and has KILLED it in the weight loss/eat healthy arena. she's totally one of my heros.

i HEART her. plus, she listens to me complain about the same thing over and over and over again and never tells me to take a hike. she's neato.

she lead me to this site: greenlitebites.com

this woman is also pretty great. she's fan-friggin'-tastic.

i must say that my recent new understanding of processed food and the whole "i'm addicted to fast food" revelation of my own (i may or may not have just watched 'supersize me') i decided to try one of her smoothie recipes. because i had spinach. and when do i have spinach? okay, i have it all the time. so i hoped that i had the other things too.

wanted to make the "less green smoothie" just because the picture looks delicious.

i'd like to say that i had all the ingredients, but i'd be lying.

meet my fake bullet. who had to be cleaned because he was so dirty...

her recipes called for random amounts of frozen fruit. my recipe called for....1/3 cup of raspberries.

because that's the cup that was the easiest to find.

one orange. my goal is to eat all of these. *sigh*

lookin' good right there.

i washed my spinach even though the bag tells you that you don't need to. like i said, i may or may not have just watched 'supersize me' and it may have freaked me out a little.

i'm not gonna lie...i washed the orange too.

little hint: take the lid off the fake bullet before you rinse the spinach in your hand (no i didn't use that dish water in the background)...or you might stand there wondering how you're going to get the lid off with one hand. just an idea.

add some water then blend! and you get this!

mmmmm.....sludgey........

let's try this.

fancy eh? still pretty sludge like and i have no where to take good pictures, but i must say, that it was delicious.

2011-05-31T18:55:00.000-07:00

okay, quick outline of what occurred this weekend.

pedicure.
bought new baskets, washed liners.
washed grocery bags.
organized makeup, hair stuff, AND craft room. yes, the whole room.
rearranged shoes and got shoe racks back into closet.
got rid of all VHS, some clothes, blankets and a table.
found something to wear to kaitlyn's baptism.

i also started watching season 10 of 'the simpsons,' caught up on my crafty blogs, and started my christmas gifts. and took 3 naps. there are always naps.

i still need the oil change and a car wash, and i really need to do my bills. that's tonight. party. i like to boogie. i like to get down. shreddin' stuff, filin' shiz. always a good time over here. and i'm going to clean my kitchen too.

on the biggest loser front, i lost one pound over memorial day weekend. which, i'm actually very pleased with seeing as it was a holiday. i was pretty much alone with lends itself to eating out. that brings the total to 7. mans, one more and i would have had the typical 8 pound month. NEXT MONTH!

on with feelin' good and feeling proud of any and all progress. i could feel badly about only losing a pound in a week. however, that's probably how quickly i gained all this. so it makes sense.

the rest of this post i planned on complaining...again...for the millionth time about how society will never accept people as they are and that we receive conflicting messages and blah blah blah.

however, at around 4 today, as i was thinking about what i wanted to say about it in my head, i realized that i had been sucked back into the negativity again, and was contributing to the problem, rather than the solution.

i have since refocused.

i planned to come home and clean my kitchen. since it's tuesday and that's what i do on tuesdays. but i paid my bills instead of cleaning first.

and then i wanted to run off a cliff.

see? IT HAPPENED AGAIN!

gah. so with the help of my dear shannon who i hear in my head, i choose to feel grateful for the money i do have that pays my bills. and as silly as it sounds, as each envelope goes into the mail (i'm old school) i'm going to get grateful again.

i'm tired of suffering. done and done.

memorialize this....

2011-05-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

hooray for a three day weekend! i remember when i used to have a three day weekend every weekend. that was really cool. this mon-fri, 9-5 thing really harshes my mellow.

three day weekends are hard to come by so when they arrive, i don't want to waste them. i have a list of things to do in the next three days.

please don't remind me that every time i make a list only about 25% of it gets done. i'm painfully aware of my inability to care about the majority of the list. however, making one really gets the blood pumpin'.

easy stuff:
oil change
car wash
~~pedicure~~
~~start kassy's bag~~
mail sarah's throw

and the usual dust/mop/vacuum routine. as this week, i've been pretty sleepy when i get home from work and have spent the majority of my nights loving my snuggie and yarn.

not quite sure why i'm so tired. i think it has something to do with my crappy mattress and the fact that i wake up a lot during the night. also, i think the pink cloud has lifted and reality has set in on this whole weight thing. as it does over and over again. boo. and as we all know, reality bites. oh well. i'm not givin' up that easy. back to the list.

~~wash reusable grocery bags~~ (this was a lot grosser than i thought it would be...)
bills
~~wash basket liners~~
~~measure shelves for new baskets~~
file
shred
~~put away laundry, put away shoes~~
~~throw crap away.~~
~~start christmas gifts~~

i have this insane idea that i can purge 50 items from my house this weekend. who's with me!? (15 movies, 7 shirts, 2 blankets, 1 songbook, 2 books, file thingy, bunch of pencils, 3 cups, that's 32 ish....)

maybe if i get all that done, i'd like to take my box spring of my bed and see if i like my bed that low. don't worry, my bed is super high so that would make it like...normal height. hmm. maybe i should do that first. just to get it out of the way. darn, i should have separated the list into days...and then numbered them in order of importance....oh no, i've gone cross-eyed... (name that movie!).

it's ambitious for sure, but completely possible. if i'd just pull my head out and get with it already. roll with resistance i suppose. :)

rollin' with resistance... ( i just sang that like "rollin' with the homies..." in case you were wondering. and now, i hope you are too. and i hope that sticks with you for a while.)

i just saw the funniest quote on the interwebs: whenever i get sad, i stop being sad and start being awesome.

i think i just found my new mantra.

peace out.

*UPDATE: i did some things that aren't on the list. like buy new baskets (after i measured the shelves) and get a major headache. i think utah and my brain know that i have time off and then sabotage it for me. jerks. AND i organized the craft room! wOOt!

2011-05-23T20:22:00.000-07:00

this month's theme is going to be diet related. i'll get back to my house in a bit. thanks mom for all the help with my car and my drawers! i have a micro mini office now and you'd never know it was there...if it weren't for that stupid ginormous printer...

onto the update.

down 3 more pounds. woot!

so, on my way to the weigh in, i visualised the number. then i immediately began arguing with myself about how i couldn't have possibly lost 3 pounds in a week. my counter argument started out with a "shut it old you and pay attention to the number."

and there it was. 3 pounds down, on the dot.

i KNOW i'm not consuming as many calories as i was 3 weeks ago. and i know this because i write it down. it's so weird. but the difference is the non-judgement. as i have stopped feeling guilty as to where my calories come from. if they come from jelly beans, so be it.

i always knew it was my attitude that was stopping me. i just didn't want to change it. i have no idea why.

perhaps it's my stubbornness. which my mother reminded me of in a recent conversation and she said, "remember when you used to get so uptight about me counting calories?"

yes. i remember. and i sincerely apologise. my irritation wasn't because of you or anything you were doing (however, 1200 is STILL TOO LOW), it was because i hated myself. i really didn't understand what was going on and i didn't have a clue as to what i was going to do to change that. so the solution at the time was to get offended when everyone around me was 'dieting'. when someone wanted to "go to the gym" to work off the ice cream, i wanted to work off the ice cream by punching them in the face. and i was also angry that someone told my sweet beautiful mother that she wasn't good enough when she is one of the most perfect people on this planet. so, yeah. it made me angry.

sorry. i promise to stop that. if you promise to eat at least 1700 calories a day. k? thanks.

anyhoo, this is my trial. for the first time in my life, i'm okay with that. never once did i think to find acceptance of that piece. der. little by little, i'm beginning to understand what people have been trying to tell me all along.

and for today's piece of enlightenment, this arrived in my email box a few days ago, amidst my recent revelations:

Love and honor your physical body. To create a relationship that takes you all the way to heaven, you have to accept your body completely. You have to love your body and allow it to be free to give, free to receive, without being shy ... because "shy" is nothing but fear. ~don Miguel Ruiz.

i love him. he's like a dad. a really smart dad who's not bi-polar.

(not that there's anything wrong with that...)

i have no clever title...

2011-05-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

first off, i'm wondering if i should move all the university blog stuff over here. what do you guys think?

now onto the ramblings...

writing down what i'm eating has become quite easy. i resisted this the most before. i guess i just like to make things really difficult. i have a notebook like this:

(because i really truly am my father's child.)

i keep it with me at all times. i even jot down thoughts and feelings because it's important to identify how i feel before, during, and after i eat. i hope one day that i won't have to pay this much attention. but a part of my process has been accepting that this is my trial and it doesn't matter how many times i wished it was something else, this is it. accept it and move on.

moving on...

i've been going back and reading some of the thoughts and ideas that i jotted down during my time with wendy and elena. (ps. i want to go back, i will when my money situation is more stable. like, as in, i have extra money.)

there are a couple things that stood out to me.

1. during one conversation about exercise, i was questioned on why i don't go to the gym.

"because i don't want people looking at me and judging me" was my answer. wendy said, "have you ever thought that the people look at you and think, "huh. that's pretty cool that they're wanting to change their life" and then go about their business?"

"no, because people suck." at least, that's what i thought in my head. because even i, looking the way i do, just happen to think that people are as disgusted with me as i am and therefor think that i shouldn't be out in public until i look presentable, i.e. skinny.

what a revelation. i was embarrassed to admit that that thought had literally never crossed my mind.

2. i was never allowed to look at numbers while i was seeing them.

the old me saw that as a diet. and diets are bad. counting calories meant i was on a "diet" and i may as well launch right into a binge, because that was inevitable. however, it's not inevitable. now that i have to do this myself, when i look at the number, i consciously choose to not feel badly. i have to remind myself that even a sedentary person needs to eat around 1600 (i can't remember the exact number, it might even be higher) calories for their body to function properly. to only eat 1200 seems barbaric and will ultimately lead me to do more harm than good.

3. carbs are not bad.

when weight loss was the goal, it was low carb, no sugar, under 1200. no wonder i failed. i was getting rid of everything i liked. how LAME. being fortunate enough to be in such good health, i can have whatever food i want, whenever i want it. i just have to decide if i'm using the food to punish myself or help myself. mmm...this diet coke helps me....

someone told me that something wasn't "on their diet" recently and i immediately got irritated. come to find out that her dietary needs are different than mine. huh. GO FIGURE. i needed a 'jump to conclusions' mat, because that's what i did. and i was wrong, as most conclusions are. it's that word. it grates on me and makes me want to punch things. i need to let it go.

in addition to the realization that there is no bad food, i was stunned at the amount of food that i was supposed to be eating. turns out years of deprivation and trying to lose weight quickly really mess you up in the head. whatdoyaknow?

4. "why don't you deep clean your kitchen?"

this one was from elena. one element of movement that she suggested, was regularly deep cleaning my house. i'm ashamed to admit that i just put two and two together and realized that my whole house is a workout. if i do it quickly and not lame like i usually do.

you see, recently, i divided my house into zones that coordinate with days of the week. if i follow the routine, i don't have to do any cleaning on the weekends. it looks ~~exactly~~ a little like this:

monday: living room
tuesday: kitchen
wednesday: bathroom
thursday: den and entry way
friday: bedroom

so as i was reminded of her "deep cleaning" comment, i occurred to me that i can do both at the same time. i'm not trying to be a size 0 here, just need to be active. and if i spend 5-7 pm every day cleaning, done and done.

it's almost too easy....(i said that like pee wee herman in case you were wondering...).

so easy that i didn't realize it until now. so if all of you have known this all along and are irritated that i'm just figuring it out, i'm sorry. i've had that experience before, where you want to flick the person in the forehead because they just don't get it.

i'm afraid i'll probably have the same realizations over and over again. so please forgive me in advance.

5. if i ever found out that someone i cared about hated themselves as much as i hated myself, it would break my heart.

once i was asked how it would make me feel if someone i loved told me they hated themselves. i would immediately want to remind them of all their wonderful attributes and how much i love them. because they can't see what i see.

i was reminded that this is how my loved ones feel about me. again, something that i had never thought of before because i thought my self-loathing was justified. it isn't. it's baseless, just like all those other myths i used to believe in. that is effed up if you ask me. but for someone who has been historically pretty effed up to acknowledge that that idea is really effed up has got to be a step in the right direction.

i think so anyways.

2011-05-16T17:35:00.000-07:00

the the VA is having it's own version of the biggest loser.

pretty spiffy eh? the cool thing is that the focus seems to be on creating new and healthy habits. although what i've noticed is that we all still suffer from an old diet mentality which basically means "yell at yourself in your head until you hate yourself and then maybe you'll do something different."

that's what i do anyways.

old habits die hard. in my head, i've already looked for ways to cheat, to get out of weighing in, and there have been days in the 2 weeks that it's been going on that i've wanted to tell the BL to shove off.

but why?

why such animosity?

first off, the term biggest loser hurts my feelings. i understand the premise, i get the intention. i just hate the term. i don't watch the show. i feel badly when i watch it. it reminds me of being humiliated in school. the only reason to watch that show is because bob is a babe. and i really can just look at pictures of him on the interwebs.

secondly, now everyone is on a "diet." well, the first formal diet i can remember being on was at age 12. the word itself doesn't conjure up anything positive or uplifting, just a lot of perceived failures. so to say that i hate it doesn't really fully encompass how i actually feel about it. in fact, when someone says they're on a diet, i feel offended even though their diet has nothing to do with me.

so before agreeing to participate in any kind of program, i had to make a decision.

was this going to be 13 weeks of crap where i continue to hate myself for what i've done to my body, or is this time going to be different?

can i really "diet" and be nice to myself? obviously, i can't call it a diet. because that just pisses me off.

i've decided to do two things:

these are the rules:

treat myself kindly.
write down what i eat.

that's it.

i've also had to accept a couple of things.

losing 2 pounds a week is fine. not losing anything is fine. gaining is fine. because that's not what this is about.
i don't have to stop drinking diet coke. i get all my water in and that's all that matters. for a long time, i thought that i had to give up everything that is "BAD" for me. i don't. somebody is always giving up something: gluten, sugar, blah blah blah. i have no dietary issues that make this kind of alteration necessary.
i have to forgive myself. i have hated myself for a really long time. for what i've done to my body. it's not something i'm proud of and intellectually, i did know better. emotionally, i did not. i created a problem that i couldn't talk my way out of and no amount of dieting or people commenting on my weight or self loathing was going to make me pay attention.

my BED brain tells me that i'm being stupid and that i can't accomplish any kind of goal that's weight related. elena used to say, "that's the disorder." and i'd argue back, "is it? or is it the truth?" i'm a peach when i'm the client. sorry ladies.

i don't seem to argue so much when i'm talking about mindfulness and health.

i wish i could say that my attitude towards food has completely changed since beginning the internal process, but it hasn't. it's changed...maybe halfway? or as much as it could with the amount of attention i was willing to pay to it. i still wish i could go away for 6 months and focus just on this. maybe one day. but for now, i gotta take what i can get.

i've lost 3 pounds. okay, 2.9. i'm rounding up.

I'm tired of other people's dreams.

2011-05-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

My observations have lead me to the following conclusions. I talk about them over and over again, because their truth seems to be continually reaffirmed to me on a daily basis.

1. Most problems can be linked back to the belief that one is never "good enough."
2. Most people have a need to be in control, but not the real kind. The kind that is an illusion.
3. Most people need to be right and prove to others that they are right and make people agree with them.

Today, my update from the don said this: Respect each other's dream. In a relationship, there are two dreamers with two different dreams. You need to accept the differences that exist between two dreamers; you need to respect each other's dream. -don Miguel Ruiz

Have you ever met someone who cannot "agree to disagree"? This is often a hard thing for me to do. I, like everyone else on the planet, have clear ideas on right and wrong, good and bad, and often think people are ~~stupid~~ misinformed if they disagree with me. I have expended a lot of mental energy not just trying to convince people to agree with me, but being angry when they don't. I have lost sleep because of this stupid human characteristic.

Does anyone else do that?

Did anyone notice that he did not say "agree"? Just to accept and respect. What a concept.

The dream that the don is speaking of, is the experience that we each have as humans. It's our perspective. It's a combination of our personality traits, along with what we're taught as children. Our basic human training.

I wish that this idea was presented to people at an earlier age. Kind of a "hey kids, did you know that you're going to meet a lot of different people in your life? They may do some weird things but that doesn't make them wrong, it just makes them different. What do you think you could learn from someone who is different from you?"

I can't tell you how many little kids I've worked with who thought that drinking alcohol made you a bad person. Yet, here they are in therapy because they were sexually abused. Go figure. Different "dreams". Different realities. I've had clients who thought it was okay to take things that aren't theirs. Does that make it wrong? According to the law, yes. According to the person who is doing what they know, not so much. It's amazing how much understanding you can find in behavior if you just let the person tell you what they know to be true for them. Whether or not I'm able to listen with non-judgement is the trick. Sometimes I can, other times....these things are really hard to listen to.

But finding that understanding takes way less energy than judging the person.

After all, I don't have to live their life. Just my own. Which, is what the title of this post is referring to. What a relief to know that I am only responsible for myself, my thoughts, my feelings, and my behaviors.

Being responsible for everyone is exhausting. And really really unnecessary.

people in herriman have NO sense of humor...

2011-05-11T08:06:00.000-07:00

time for an update eh?

mother's day = awesome. took mom to see 'thor' which she called 'troy' because she couldn't remember the name. she's such a funny lady.

bbq at the brothers. it was raining. because utah isn't a desert anymore. didn't you know?

and for the biggest news ever!

my bestie shannon donated a kidney (finally) to her dad. i know right? she's such a good person. here's a quick run-down of the process that her and her family have been through oh, say, the past 3 years. for her to get to this point was quite an achievement. the surgery went off without a hitch and according to the surgeon, papa's new kidney began making peedles as soon as it was hooked up. okay, she didn't say peedles. that's a word that shan and i use. but she did say that it started as soon as it was hooked up. i suppose that when you do two transplants a few days a week, people begin to look like cars.

a quick note about shanny mcshan. she's the greatest. she is the funniest, sweetest, most caring person in the world. she's also incredibly steadfast and she stands up for what she believes in. i seriously could not ask for better friends in my life. the university must have known that i was a struggler and needed some assistance. major assistance. but if i get too much into how much i love her, i'm going to cry so i'm going to tell you a story instead.

alair in all her mommy-ness and myself in all my fake mommy-ness wanted to be there when she got out of surgery. one might say, "but girls, you're not related. isn't this family time?" you betcha, and we're family. we are sisters from other...misters...or however that saying goes. is that a real saying? so the plan was to gather up some crafty goodies and head to the hospital. but she got started later than we thought. so we took a trip to the makeup store, got alair's son off to baseball practice and headed to the chevron for some frosty refreshment to get us through the waiting.

in this particular gas station (which i'm now in love with. it has the good ice AND lime slices. it's amazing), there is a big giant beer "vault" which is a huge fridge where all the alcohol is stored. a young lady employee walked out of it with a partial 6-pack and stated that it had "fallen on the floor". it was now dented and thus, not for sale anymore.

alair made a quick crack about how she dropped it on purpose, you know, so she could drink it for free? funny eh? i was thinking "badumchee (how do you spell this sound effect?)!!" i think there was some air quotes even. it was funny, i'm sad that i can't remember exactly what she said.

the clerk was not so impressed. with a stone cold look on his face, he said, "that's not how it works."

and in all my sarcastic glory, i shot back, "REALLY????" i think i rolled my eyes too. i have no control over that anymore.

luckily, i stopped there. but this was what i was thinking, "you mean to tell me that an employee of this fine establishment cannot throw a can of beer on the floor and then because it's now damaged, drink it on the job? shut the front door man!"

for the love of all that is holy can people lighten up a little? jeesh. plus, alair is funny. i think someone's stick is a little too far up in their bidness if you know what i'm sayin'....

make it stop. okay.

2011-05-05T12:10:00.000-07:00

i've recently decided to give up dating. shocker i know, when i was having such good experiences. my decision was validated as i was clearing out some emails today when a new one popped up.

it was from a guy who had i had corresponded with in the beginning of april, but we really didn't have anything in common. i had said that i didn't think we had anything in common and that i was choosing to get to know some other men.

well, he keeps emailing me. guy can't spell or complete his sentences. further proof that we have nothing in common. every few days i would get this in my inbox:

" ?? "

or just a single one if he was feeling particularly needy.

now, i thought i had said that i didn't think we had anything in common. but apparently this guy needs it spelled out to him. so today, when i received an inappropriate email, this is what i responded with:

"little piece of advice for your future dating endeavors: learn how to write complete sentences, learn how to take a hint, and if you want a woman to take you seriously as a man, don't disrespect her by asking her such a disgusting and inappropriate question.

thank you, once again, for solidifying that women are better than men. your email address has been blocked so i will no longer be subjected to your needy, clingy question marks, and your clear disregard for social appropriateness."

was that too forward? am i going to hurt his feelgoods?

GOOD. i don't give a flyin' fig about his feelgoods, which was clearly all he was worried about in the first place.

dear university, please make the a-holes leave me alone. k?

done and done. because i QUIT.

2011-05-01T20:50:00.000-07:00

as if i needed any more proof of what a nerd i am, here is what i was doing when i found out that osama has been killed. and the only reason i know that, is because i was watching 'desperate housewives.'

kitty got some new catnip treats from jeffy poo and she has never had catnip before. she didn't go as crazy as i wanted her to, but she did circle the couch for about an hour after this just to make sure i wasn't handing out any more.

it's a great life i lead....goodness, i need more hobbies.

help me help myself.

2011-04-27T18:34:00.000-07:00

once upon a time in the land of the S to the L to the C, there lived...

me.

i'm not good with stories. i live in the SLC. i live alone. i'm a single working girl (not the fun kind *wink wink*) who has a tiny (560 square feet) adorable home that i'm lucky to call my own. at least until the bank takes it away from me. just kidding! (sort of)

i'm in the middle of a .... what do you say, early thirties crisis? you know, the time where you've completed most of the things that you wanted to and the other things just aren't happenin' so you're stuck in limbo wondering what the heck you're supposed to do with your life from here on out. you've never had one of those? LUCKY! because really what it's done, it help me end up in a bigger mess.

this lead me to the BRILLIANT idea that it was time to change my whole apartment. but the problem was that it was filled with crap. so i started selling furniture, looking for inspiration, gathering ideas and such. i now, 6 months later, have a very vague idea of what i'd like this place to look like. but i haven't been able to pull it all together. why? well, it's tough on your own. that's really my only excuse.

and then, magically, as if the universe was actually listening to me, there came a contest. and not like the silly contests that i enter for whatever, like rugs...silhouettes (universe, i wouldn't hate you if you sent me a free silhouette), cute calendars, and the like.

but now i need to win this:

(do you see the houndstooth in this button? the yellow houndstooth? DO YOU??)

IT SHALL ME MINE. OH YES, IT SHALL BE MINE.

i need that makeover. i NEED that EPIC MAKEOVER. kind of like i NEED AIR.

now before i show you how disgraceful my place looks, i need to make sure i qualify (taken from vintage revivals):

you must be a public follower of vintage revivals: check.

you must love mandi's guts: check. i love her guts AND her stencil wall. seriously, check it out.

you must be awesome: DOUBLE CHECK, booya!

you must be willing to go along with everything that mandi says: haha, check! how often am i going to have an opportunity like this? (look at me bein' all optimistic and visualizing winning...)

you must have walls that can be repainted: check! i own this sucker!

now, you might be asking yourself "how could kami let someone she doesn't know into her house to do pretty much whatever she wants?"

have you seen vintage revivals? have you seen the yellow and grey? have you seen the houndstooth??

HOUNDSTOOTH PEOPLE.

there is no way we wouldn't get along.

now onto the unpleasantness:

view from the entryway. blech. if i win, i will keep us supplied with diet coke the entire time. or whatever her drink of choice is. see the mcdonald's cup? it's just a hop, skip, and a jump away. i'm buyin'!

at first glance, this doesn't look that bad...but, you can't see the mess because...

it's over here!

BEHOLD the other side of the room! crowded, disorganized, land of "where the crap is my camara so i can take stupid pictures of this giant pile of crap???"

i found it, don't worry.

and onto the other possibly fun things in this room.

oh yea baby, check out the "den" off the living room. this is where my laundry, crafts, and yarn go to die.

*sigh* i think that i'm going to need a huge diet coke after this post.

holy jeeeesh batman. i know, i KNOW!

this is an antique stereo. it can't be painted, but it doesn't have to stay. we can put it in storage. i do love it, for now it's my tv stand.

i had a brilliant idea to use a mid century dresser as a sideboard. still a viable option, if i'd get off my butt and do what i had envisioned. but my motivation is....lacking...these days...

my new besta ikea desk. i LOVE it. and as you can see, i love it so much that i haven't taken off the blue sticky stuff on the top because i don't' want to ruin the finish. i also haven't thrown away my cafe rio cup from 2 nights ago. i'm just keepin' it real.

looks pretty spiffy eh? goodness, my lands. what has happened?

so, in conclusion, i'll just say this:

dear mandi,

help my help myself.

you are awesome.

love,

kami

-the end-

i only speak the truth, and that's the truth. -mom

2011-04-27T17:43:00.000-07:00

so, i used to work at lovely little place that provided substance abuse treatment. i loved this job. but what i didn't love was the fact that my clients would lie. and they lied to me. a lot. it drove me nuts. but alas, it comes with the territory. so my solution to this was to a) stop taking it personally because it wasn't about me, and b) make a sign that hopefully gets people to think about whether or not they're being truthful. not just with me, but with themselves. which ultimately is the most important thing of all.
it said, "are you telling the truth?" in big letters, hanging on my bulletin board. i have no idea how it impacted the clients. but i know that it was just as big a reminder for me than anyone.

ARE YOU TELLING THE TRUTH?

actually now that i think about it, it probably just pissed them off. misison accomplished!! just kidding, sort of. they were fun to work with.

but for this girl, it has been revealed that i, just like every other human on the planet, are not only dishonest with those around me, but mostly with myself. about everything. it's not good. it's not intentional, and most of the time because i don't want to hurt those around me. not because it's about them, but it's information about me that i'm afraid will hurt them or make them feel bad. and mostly, i don't like to see my mother cry.

a text conversation with a dear friend of mine helped me realize how dishonest i'm being with myself about what is going on with me. luckily, she listens (reads) with no judgement and (unlike myself) offers no advice. she just reads and says she loves me.

but there's a part of the purging process that's missing. because after telling her (or anyone) about my problems, through text or email) i'm still not being emotionally honest with myself. sometimes the emotionals (yesssssss that wasn't even on purpose and i'm calling them "the emotionals" from here on out) are so overwhelming that a text conversation, while very helpful, doesn't quite get to the nitty gritty of it all.

the nitty gritty meaning i need to be a mess in front of someone. i need to tell them to their face what is going on with me and have an emotional experience with another live human being. all the texting and emailing in the world can help us figure out the logistics of a problem. but then there's this whole other side, the seemingly irrational emotional side, that needs to be purged as well. i just don't think that can happen alone. i think you have to do that with someone that you trust who isn't going to run away screaming or try to commit you to the mental institution when you admit what really goes on in your head. (not that i'm against a mental institution, i could go for a little 'me time.')

she called it the dark place.

that's the perfect name.

i challenged her to allow herself to do this with a real live human being. but what she didn't know was that i was really challenging myself. first step, is to stop lying about how i feel. second step, find someone who won't freak out. step three, actually do it.

ahh, i can already feel the emotional hangover.

and i think it's about time i invest some time in myself. sure, all married people think that single people have it soooo great. i can do whatever i want, whenever i want. while this is true, i also spend a lot of time trying to convince people that i'm okay when i'm not. because, you see, i think that most people think that being me is easy. or simple. and that somehow, my problems are less significant or easier to tackle.

they're not. they're just different. and let me just say this, i (and this has nothing to do with being single) feel forgotten most of the time. sometimes i wonder if people ever consider my feelings or value my time. i also think that people assume that i'm well equipped to handle life on my own, because of what i do for a living. well, sure, it's easy to tell other people what they should do. not so when you're talking about yourself. intellectually, we all know how to solve our problems. emotionally, not so much.

plus, all these "problems" aren't really problems. they just are. but the feelings about them come up over and over again. that's the part that needs to be 'dealt with.'

the only solution i know is to purge. regularly. with a live human being, if you want it to be as effective as possible. and i fight this as much as the regular person. some of the things that i have admitted to my friend were over text, but i've never actually said them out loud. that's just not good enough for me. it certainly helps, but it's unfinished.

am i telling the truth? no. but i'm going to start.

Ain't it the truth?

2011-04-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had those experiences where had you just had the time, you could have thought of a really thoughtful and profound description of what is going on? An observation so poignant that the person you're speaking to lights up because they GET IT??

Me neither. I have to wait for a quote to pop up that eloquently says what I should have said.

Recently, the ideas of processes vs. events keep coming up in my discussions. Processing feelings, processing situations, and all those things that we wish would happen once and then we'd be done with them. Like, I wish that once I've cleaned my tub that it should stay clean forever. I wish that I had gone through all 5 stages of grief and now I never have to be sad about that again.

Right?

Oh, that's not how it works? But that's how I think that it should work. It still doesn't?

Crap.

When it comes to matters of the heart, we commemorate with events. Weddings, funerals, anniversaries, dinners out, presents, and what have you. But you're celebrating a process. Marriage, dying, birthdays, milestones.

Which brings me to today and thinking about all the troubles people in my life are having. And then I get this:

A relationship can be a pressure cooker for communication problems because couples have a tendency to rest on their commitment, rather than invest in each other daily. -Mama Gena.

Whoa....she literally just blew my mind. I thought, "that was exactly what I was trying to say the other day when that person had that problem and they wanted it to be over and it never will be and this is why."

I'm not married. But I have relationships. I have friends, family, and coworkers. I participate in relationships all the time. I've recently had the experience at work where I had to think about my response to a request that isn't my job. It went a little something like this.

"But that's not my job."

Well sure, if I go back to my job description (my commitment to my employer) and take a look at it, that thing isn't in there. But if I recognise that I'm trying to help a client (and I'm invested in this relationship today), then it's in the best interest of myself AND this client for me to do what is asked of me in this moment.

See? Mind blowing.

In romantic relationships, I often hear people say, "haven't we already dealt with this?" Or "I can't believe this is coming up again." But what people don't see is that while the instigating event has come and gone (and may not even have a solution) the feelings surrounding the event will come up over and over again.

Even if you've "dealt" with it. It's important to be aware when this happens that you're not dealing with the "problem". You're having a feeling or your partner is having a feeling. And feelings don't need to be fixed. They just need to be felt so they can be released. We just don't like to feel badly so we pretend we're mad at something else to pull us out of that bad feeling.

What would happen if we all started processing our feelings rather than focusing on what has 'happened'?

One can only dream....

I heart radio.

2011-04-25T09:45:00.000-07:00

Heal yourself, and your relationship will heal, too. If you can heal yourself, then you are going to be ready for a relationship without fear, without need. If you and your partner each work on yourselves, you will see how quickly progress is made. -don Miguel Ruiz

If anyone here listens to X96, you'll know that they used to have the Psychic Margaret Ruth on to answer all of your love questions. They stopped doing this for a while, and she disappeared. But now she is back! She and the Painful Circle (i.e. Kerry, Bill, and Gina) tell it like it is when people call in about their love and romance issues.

Most of the time, it's ends up that the caller is being stupid. They have no problem tell you that either, which is the best part. It's nice to know that some of my ideas about relationships aren't just crap I make up in my head. Local celebrities agree with me!

But really, most of their input is sound and down to earth. Kind of like, if you don't like fish, then don't eat it. Der.

But one thing has always stuck with me, something that the love psychic herself always says:

It takes three things to have a successful and happy relationships: love, common vision, and two whole healthy happy people.

Love isn't really all you need. You need all three.

The first two, seem to be easy enough to find. You meet someone, you think they're neato, they want to get married and have kids too? Ta-da!

Whoa whoa whoa (or whoazers whoazers, as my mother would say), that just isn't going to cut it. I really wish it did.

But we live in a society where we're basically taught to hate ourselves. Then we project our issues onto our partner and expect them to fix us or to magically make us love ourselves. Overnight, if possible.

It seems counter intuitive to work on yourself to mend a relationship, but it really is the beginning step. If we all took the time to be complete whole people prior to searching for a relationship, would we find anything different?

Yep. We'd find other people who are whole and happy. If we really get back what we put out, and we're miserable....it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see why everyone is so unhappy all the time.

My beef with this whole idea is that not a lot of people believe it. Even though I've seen it work over and over again, both professionally and personally, people really do go about their lives feeling badly and thinking that there's nothing they can do about it. And that it's not really their fault anyways.

Those of us who know this idea is true, then have to deal with all the negativity and projection that is constantly being spewed. It's too bad that so many people don't know that they already possess everything they need to be happy. Do they just not want to do the work? Are they really not aware that they're unhappiness is self inflicted? Do they have several convenient scapegoats?

I have a ton of scapegoats. My dad died. My boyfriend left me. My last job screwed up my finances.

I had nothing to do with any of it..... *shifty eyes*

If we're not able to be accountable for our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, then how can we move forward? This is the part where most get stuck. Because most of us, myself included, feel justified in every thought, feeling or behavior, regardless of whether or not they have merit. Because we think we're right, we push our "rightness" onto everyone around us, and then get offended when they don't agree.

It's exhausting. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

This is opposite of true accountability. True accountability includes not only being responsible for yourself, but being open to new ideas and opinions of others. Trying to find understanding of how people have come to their own conclusions, when they differ from ours. Being respectful of every one's right to agree or disagree, without the need to push your ideas on them. Not judging or calling someone misinformed when they have a different opinion.

They're not misinformed. They've just had a different experience.

How does this apply to relationships? In order to make changes, you have to admit that there's something wrong with the way you do things. That's not easy for anyone. Often times, one partner will see the need for work and the other will not. This creates a new dynamic, and a whole new set of issues. I've seen relationships end because one person decided to take care of themselves while the other did not. It's sad, but what's the alternative? Try to make some positive changes with someone there to tell you that you're never going to accomplish your goal?

To add to the don's message here, I'm just going to quote my mother. Who happens to be the smartest lady on the planet (who may or may not have had a lot of therapy in her life):

It takes a hell of a man to be better than no man at all.

It works with women too. :)

Is anything more true than that? I have met so many people, and I have been one of these people before, who make exceptions in how they're treated simply for the sake of not being alone. We've settled for less because we don't think we deserve better. We've all done it. It's time to stop. Be that healthy person. The people in our lives will either decide to hop on board, or they'll leave. Which, as the don says, is a blessing.

4/21/11

2011-04-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

i don't mean to complain year after year about dad dying. i actually forget most of the time now. every year that passes confirms that everything is as it should be.

looking back on the experience, it was probably the best way for it to happen. quick. there was not a lot of time to watch him suffer. now as i listen to those who have sick family members for years, 3 weeks seems like nothin'. he was sick before that, but like 'cold' sick. and we were none the wiser.

it happened quickly. enough time for us to get used to the idea and to say goodbye. this is where i will morbidly state that if i had to lose a parent, i'm just glad it wasn't my mom. it's not as though i didn't love my dad, but i just don't think we would have survived had it been the other way around. watching mom lose dad was hard. but watching dad lose mom would have been completely unbearable. i have realized that if mom had passed away, i would have lost both parents. he wouldn't have been able to handle that. he, even if in denial, was too fragile.

i've accepted that i learned what i needed to from him in the short time i knew him. how else could it be? if i truly believe that everything happens for a reason, then it only makes sense that our journey together was done.

it doesn't mean i don't miss him. i do. every day i wish i had a dad. but i don't think he had any more answers than the rest of us. i used to think that i missed out on all the 'grown up' conversations that we were supposed to have, since i was barely out of adolescence when he passed. but, if things are as they should be, then we weren't meant to have those conversations. not here on earth.

that's okay. most times, i feel relieved that i've gone through it and it's over and i only have to do that one more time. which may sound really weird. i've had dreams where he's alive but i know that he's going to die. that panic sets in. when i wake up, i know it's done. i've already done that. i don't have to worry because it's already come and gone.

kind of like that dream where i haven't graduated from college. :)

it's taken me a while to get to the place where i can just be grateful for the experience. for a long time, and even sometimes now, i still wonder why a crappy person couldn't have kicked the bucket. but that's not helpful, and it's irrelevant. i'm not mad at him for the dumb things he did/said while he was here, because those too are now irrelevant. i don't need to remember the bad times, and the anger i felt towards that side of the family. it doesn't matter.

i'm just going to keep missin' the guitar and the pocket protector.

a man is a man...

2011-04-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

said the 84 year old.....in reference to my experience with mormon men. smart lady.

i just had the pleasure of spending some time with my mama. that always makes me feel better.
my recent dating revelations have increased her concern about my overall well being. as in, now she doesn't question me so much when i say that "all men are douchebags" and knows better than to say "not all of them are douchebags honey."

i know that. i know not all of them are douchebags, but i was beginning to think i was going crazy and that this childish dating situation was really only me.

it's not.

check it yo's.

now, of course the article is commented on by thousands of men who say, "no way, not me. women need to look at themselves." well, if this article offends you, then i believe a chord has been struck. or strummed. whatever. both sexes seem to keep battling each other, without any real ideas on how to solve the problems. we both think it's the other's fault. what would it take for these men to take a look at themselves? i have no idea. i feel like that's all i do.

all i do is take a look at myself and how i'm participating in a situation. i do it naturally and i'm trained that way for my profession. if multiple women are having this issue, i must say, that at the very least i'm grateful that i'm not the only one who is noticing this trend.
i'm no angel. i can be messy, rude, uncaring, and irritable. but i'm going to own that. i'm going to fully take responsibility for my "character flaws" whatever they may be, instead of mentally assaulting people over the internet. because i'm not a child. not today anyways.

one of the biggest problems is that these people don't have to take responsible for their behavior because nobody knows who they are. most of the time (in my experience) online dating is anonymous, until one feels comfortable enough to give out private information. i used to work with sex offenders so i'm a tad cautious. the guy who showed me his johnson? (without my asking, just want to make that clear.) i don't know who he really is. because i don't know his identity, he never has to take responsibility for his behavior.

anonymity exacerbates the douchebaggery to the point where people do and say things that they never would ordinarily. the internet lends itself to selfish entitlement and game playing. it's turning out to just be another way to screw with people.

i'm even more ashamed of women who participate in behaviors like this. i follow a lot of crafty and decorating blogs and it's amazing to me that they would type such horrible mean things. to people they don't even know. like, if shannon wanted to get up all in my bidness, FINE. i know her, i respect her opinion, and she would say it in a way that would help me understand why she feels the way she does.

but a stranger telling someone that their project is ugly, or that THEY are ugly (yes i've read this), or that they're a bad mother is completely unacceptable. where has common decency gone?

WHERE????

i've certainly seen projects that i thought were 'meh'. i also think that things i don't like are stupid. i've admitted that several times. but to attack someone's creativity, their looks, or the way they raise their kids is disgusting to me. because WHO ASKED YOU??? those women are no better than package pic man.

my head hurts.

what a bunch of jerks there are in the world today.

so to all the crafty bloggers, to all the online daters, to all the peeps who are keepin' real, i salute you.

schaaa-wing.

2011-04-16T21:32:00.000-07:00

mans, it's been an emotional week.

i was pushed over my douchebaggery limit. i can only take so much.

these were just a few isolated events, there are too many to recall. how sad is that? so many first dates, so many bad experiences. i've mentioned that there were a few good ones too, but alas, i'm still single so how great did they really go? apparently not so great. or the chemistry just wasn't there and that's no one's fault.

such is life i suppose.

add in money issues, and i really did feel like my head was about to explode. literally. as in, i've had a massive headache for over a week now. my poor friends, all i do is complain. my poor mother, all i do is complain to her as well. i think that i've gotten it mostly out, but people keep doing stupid things and then i feel that twitch behind my right eye return....

so if you find me in a corner somewhere, rocking back and forth, that's why.

that or things could just work out. that'd be cool.

the problem with all of this is that it impacts the way i feel about myself. i feel as though i have reasonable standards, but i'm constantly questioned and pushed to change my mind. am i really a snob? are my expectations too high? i don't think so. but with every experience, i feel more and more worthless. like there is something to what all these people are telling me, and the reason i can't find what i'm looking for is simply because i don't deserve it.

which, i know intellectually isn't true. but it doesn't feel that way. sometimes i feel like they're right. i should just be grateful for what i can get. the general feeling that get about dating in general is that it is all about how you look and nothing you do makes up for not being a certain way. i could have a friggin' Ph.D. and it still wouldn't be good enough.

i wish i could get past that. but alas, i am my own worst enemy.

douchebaggery at it's finest...

2011-04-14T07:32:00.000-07:00

so, as you may have gathered, i've spent some time exploring the world of online dating. i promise to talk about the good experiences. but they are few and far between.

i'm not new to this. i met my first serious boyfriend this way, and when used appropriately, it's a really effective way to meet people that you'd never have the chance to otherwise.

however, it comes with a major downside.

it's called: the male ego.

i have an ego. i know. i think i'm awesome. i think i'm pretty darn neato. i've accomplished some things. i talk about these things when i'm asked or when i feel the need to brag. sometimes we need a good bragging.

however, i'm pretty good at keeping these things to myself unless someone asks. because to me, they're not that big of a deal. i just did them because i had nothing else better to do. there are some things that i wish i have and i envy other people who have them. a happy marriage, a larger home, the ability to travel, children.

but i know my time will come.

one thing though, that i'm not envious of...is the penis.

and why men think that women are impressed with them is beyond me.

rewind to yesterday. but i should mention something. online dating means that you meet multiple people at one time. so at any given time, i'm corresponding with 2-4 people. so even if i've gone out with someone or connected with someone, others are still emailing me. it's a peculiar situation.

usually, there are a few 'getting to know you' emails that ultimately ends in the request for a picture. i'm SUPER cautious when it comes to this. i don't post my picture because i don't feel the need. they know my body type and i figure if they email me anyways, they can ask for one. i'm weird that way.

tangent.

so, the picture request. now, i usually request that they send one first. because, i'm the girl, i can do what i want. and to make sure that i don't know them. salt lake is a smaller town that one would think....

yesterday, i get an email. "here's my pic! hahahahaha!"

i let out a long, audible sigh. because, i already had an inkling that this fellow thinks a lot of himself. i should have trusted my gut, but i didn't and the next thing i know, his his package in my face.

really?

a couple of points i'd like to make:

1. the audacity of sending such a picture to someone who did not request it is absolutely disgusting and disrespectful.
2. any woman who requests a package pic in general is an idiot.
3. if it's not impressive, why would you send that out into the interwebs where it's recorded forever? i now have this guys "picture" and email address...hmmm...so many options....
4. just because you have one, doesn't mean you know how to use it.
5. packages don't impress me. ever. if that's all you have to offer, then you are useless to me.
6. how about we brag about something that's worthwhile shall we? or do we have nothing else?

the best part of this is that i responded with "that was rude and disrespectful, please stop emailing me."

and he called me immature.

yeah, package man, I'M the one who's acting like a child. you're the one who's whippin' it out for the world to see and i'm the one who needs to grow up.

whatever you need to say to make yourself feel better i suppose. because i imagine that what he thought i would do was compliment him on his stunning manhood and immediately demand that he come over to my apartment.

"i want you, i need you, oh baby oh baby."

NOT.

i could not roll my eyes hard enough.

the problem is that men (children) think this is okay. the bigger problem is that women (children) reinforce it.

we have a double problem now. not only are people trying to find nice people date, they now have to worry about whether or not that person has any sense of what's respectful or socially appropriate.

what would have happened if he'd have shown it to me at a bar? he'd be slapped with lewdness charges. how is this any different? as far as i'm concerned, this goes way beyond the normal male pervertedness. i know, i have had boyfriends. i know how perverted all of them are. but can you please reel it in a bit?

someone once said to me, "sure i like sex but it's not like i can't control myself."

he gets it. i don't know why everyone else doesn't.

douchebags.

cut it off and throw it in a field.

over and out.

Crazy not stupid....

2011-04-12T08:25:00.000-07:00

By now I'm sure everyone has heard about this guy......

As I listen to the commentary about this man and his choice to publicly burn the Koran, igniting attacks in Afghanistan, I have to wonder how much of this (and all of the world's other problems) could be avoided if we didn't feel the need to insist that others see things the way we do, and not get offended when they don't.

Of course, I think that the burning of the book was insensitive and disrespectful. But above all of that, it was childish. Do you remember being on the playground in school and getting picked on and the only good comeback you could come up with was, "Well yeah??? Uh, you're ugly!"

Ooooooooh, you sure told that kid, didn't ya?

Enter Terry Jones. "I don't believe in what you believe so I'm going to hurt you by doing something bad to something that you love."

DUMB. That's what a child would do.

The violence it ignited was also tragic and unnecessary. Books (or anything for that matter) can be replaced. The only thing that can't be replaced in this horrible situation, are the people that are getting lost in the crossfire. All in the name of "being right."

I understand the book has meaning. But the physical book doesn't mean anything without the people who believe in it. Burning it doesn't make it any less meaningful. Burning it doesn't make you forget why you believe in it or what you've learned from it. Those people handed their personal power over to Terry Jones in a silver platter.

I know I'm certainly not in this situation and it's easy for me to make an observation. I suppose I just don't understand. I don't understand a lot of things.

What would have happened if Terry Jones had said, "Hey! I'm going to burn the Koran!!!" and we said, "Okay."

I wonder. I really do. If we would stop perpetuating the crazy, perhaps damage control would be a little easier.

And, I don't know, maybe less people would DIE.

Just a suggestion.

You might be a douchebag if....

2011-04-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

I've been inspired to tell the tale of my own dating experience, as I'm hoping that I'm not alone in this attempt to find someone who knows the difference between "tale" and "tell".

The older I get, the more it's affirmed that we really do still live in a misogynistic society. Sure people say that we've progressed; however, based on the way I've been treated by these so-called "progressive" men, I'd say that we haven't come as far as we'd like to think.

It's sad really. And very disheartening. To the point where I do really pray for someone to prove me wrong about men. In my dating experiences, which have been a plenty, I've learned a few things and have really been able to refine my d-bag spotter skills.

All of this is based on real, true, "yes, this really happened to me" experiences. I'm hoping that it doesn't make me look like a loser in the process. The majority of my dating life has begun on line because, well, let's face it: I'm chubby. People don't just "ask me out," I don't get set up by friends, and I have to find someone who's okay with my body type. I'm okay with that. There are certain things that I'm not okay with and he could be the cutest thing I've ever seen.

1. You might be a d-bag if ….you can't take the time to write a decent email and you don't know the difference between 'tell' and 'tale. Or 'bored' and 'board.' or 'their' or 'they're'. Or 'your and you're'. Although, this isn't as big of an indicator of douchyness, as it is stupidity.

'Board' was a guy who recently emailed me. He claims he gets "board" in relationships. Translation: (other than he meant bored, but is also stupid) is that he is afraid of commitment and can't stay in one place too long. That's fine; just don't lie about it by saying that you get "board". Or bored. I was bored with him by email 3.

Conclusion: D-bag.

2. You might be a d-bag if…..you feel the need to immediately start talking about sex. In the second email to me, you feel the urgency to insist that you have a high libido and that I "better be okay with it."

When did I say that I would have sex with you? Ever? I didn't. Plus, EVERY GUY THINKS HIS SEX DRIVE IS HIGHER THAN EVERY OTHER MAN'S ON THE PLANET. I have yet to speak to an adult male who doesn't think this. 9 times out of 10, it's because they haven't had any on a regular basis, and thus, think that they will die if they don't get laid soon. As in, within the next 3 hours.

Secondly, when did we break through that pivotal barrier where you get to tell me what to do (which you actually never get to do)? Did I miss something through the 3 lines of communication where I said that I valued your input?

I could go on about sex and how it correlates to the levels of douche, but I'm sure we all know that they are not mutually exclusive. The earlier and more one talks about sex, the less dateable he is.

Conclusion: d-bag.

3. You might be a d-bag if you quit speaking or emailing me after I relay that I can't meet up when you want to.

Usually, it goes like this:

D-bag: Hey you're cool. Wanna hang out (In an hour because I have no sense of anything outside of myself and my night is way more important than yours. Plus, I'm that cool that I know you'll drop everything)?

Me: No, I have plans. But I'm free for dinner tomorrow night (Three days notice at least fella's. I was being nice on this one).

D-bag: Never mind. Guess we can chat later.

Annnnnnnd, I never hear from him again. Shocking I know.

This tells me two things. 1- He was hoping' to get some action, and 2- he lied when he said he was looking for the same things I was.

Conclusion: d-bag.

4. You might be a d-bag if you.....stand up your date. EVER. I don't care if you changed your mind, or if you've lost interest. If you make a date, you keep it. I do. I have been on plenty of dates that I didn't want to go on. You end it nicely and say that you're not interested. Or better yet, grow some balls and tell me you've lost interest. Then we both save face.

I have 2 stand up stories, just from the past year. I know, I sure can pick 'em.

Scenario Uno:

Boy and girl meet, boy and girl go on actual date, have fun. Boy kisses girl. Boy says he wants to see girl again. Boy and girl have second date. Boy kisses girl again. Boy says, "Let's go out this weekend." Girl says, "I have plans but you can certainly come with me." Morning of, boy texts girl to say, "I'll be there at 5, I'm excited to see you!" At 5:30, girl texts boy and says, "are you coming?" boy texts girl and says, "No. I got asked out by someone else that I'm in love with."

**Don't even get me started on the ridiculousness of this. I still can't believe it happened sometimes.

No joke. That really happened. However, I do believe I dodged a bullet. While my heart was broken at the time, it's now been confirmed that this man is engaged to this girl that he was "in love with" and they are having a 'steam punk' themed wedding. They are also into adult role playing. That….was a close one.

Coincidentally, he also was one of those guys who said he could have sex 3 times a day. Every day. I said to him, "Yeah, dude, you're in your thirties and the only reason you think this is because you hadn't had sex since your divorce." Biologically, you could keep that up (no pun intended) for about a week. FAIL.

The second went similar to that one. He confirmed the date at 10 am, stated he would arrive at 6 and never showed. No text, no email. Nothing. All after multiple emails about respect and honesty. I guess everyone's a liar. He also was the one who wanted to meet me the night before but I said no.

5. You might be a d-bag if.....you lie about your intentions. For example, if you meet someone and tell them that you want to find a long term relationship. You stop dating all other girls, I stop dating all other boys, and we confirm that we are dating each other. Things get serious, and then you introduce yourself as my "friend" and then try to cop a feel the next day.

When I don't respond to the physical touch, you text me the next day:

D-bag: Are you mad at me?

Me: Yes.

D-bag: WHY???? what did I do?

Me: Well, You're kind of a selfish and you want your cake and eat it too (this is a summation, the conversation went on for much longer).

D-bag: I didn't mean to, I'm sorry.

P.S. If you apologize for something and you don't even understand why you're in trouble, don't apologize. It makes you look like an even bigger tool. It says, "I'm apologizing because I got caught doing something" not because you're sorry about hurting someone's feelings.

Conclusion: d-bag. And a lazy dater.

6. You might be a d-bag if.....you think Wendy's is a fun night out.

I'll be the first to admit, a "night out" to me, is dinner and a movie. I don't want to go bowling or mini golfing or climb mountains. I'd rather hang with my friends than go "do something". that's because of my job. I don't expect someone to spend a lot of money on me. It's the thought, the consideration. I'm perfectly happy to buy you dinner, stock your favorite beverage in my fridge, and have your favorite snacks on hand. How is this not the same thing?

When someone continually wants to hang out at either one of our places, it means that I'm not worth that thought or that consideration. Which ultimately means that you're not looking for what you said you're looking for. If you're not willing to have a relationship in public, then you don't deserve on in private.

Conclusion: d-bag.

7. You might be a d-bag if you've read what I'm looking for, fit none of the parameters, and email me anyway.

Really? Did you think I wouldn't notice that you're 50? Or 24? Or unemployed? Or are still married? Or is this just the classic "I'm different" syndrome?

"I may be married but my situation is different from all the other 'separated' men on here, so she'll understand and date me anyways.'

Very rarely, is one worth dating while separated. And what am I going to do with a 24 year old? wait for him to finish school and want to have a family in 10 years?

And to those of you who are 50, really? What am I going to do with you? You're going to be around for 30 some odd years and I have a good 50 left to go. You better have one hell of an investment portfolio for me to even consider "taking care of" you. Which, I'm sure is your underlying motive anyways. Go have your mid-life crisis somewhere else.

Conclusion: d-bag.

8. You might be a d-bag if.....you're a Mormon. Sorry, but it's true.

I was baptized. I know the rules. Now, I'm not active. I haven't been since 2003. I didn't really date until this time either. I tried to start with Mormons but I quickly realized that all of them are extremely sexually frustrated. I've dated 3 Mormon guys and each one did things that were clearly inappropriate. Each one, card carrying, temple recommend holding active members.

I have problems with this for several reasons: 1. I never told them they could touch me but they tried anyway and were quite insistent. I had to ask one guy to leave because I was uncomfortable. Now, I'd just kick him in the nards (this happens with a lot of my dates though). 2. I know what's allowed and what's not allowed. If I had a temple recommend and did some of the things they tried to do with me, I'd turn my recommend in. Because I'm not a liar. 3. Really? If you're that horny, will you please go have sex with someone and leave me alone? Please? For the love of all that is holy?

Now, with the ones who are not active, but can't keep it in their pants but 'want to go back to the church" you can KISS MY ASS. What this means is that you're selfish and stupid. There is no physical evidence that one will die from not having sex. Your body will take care of it in wet dreams or you can take care of it yourself. I don't care, just leave me out of it.

Don't sit there and tell me that you have no choice in the matter. You are full of shit.

Another Mormon, this is more recent. He told me that he had decided to leave the church. His one regret? Not feeling like he was lied to or that he wasn't given the chance to decide what he believed in, but it was all the sex he missed out on having.

Wow, that's your one regret? Not the 28 or so years you participated in something that you don't believe in? That is one shallow life you lead my friend.

Conclusion: d-bag.

9. You might be a d-bag if....you walk in front of your date, don't open her door, or generally have lost all sense of chivalry. I know, you're afraid that some feminist women's libber is going to punch you in the face. But really, has this ever happened?

Guess what I do? I hold the door open for people. I ask to help if their hands are full. I do this because I'm not a jerk. This is the same reason that men should do it. Because you're not a jerk.

If we're on a date and you don't do this, this means that you're falling victim to the 'center of the universe' disease. I'll talk about this later. If you walk in front of me, or don't wait for me, or don't open my door, we're done. Simple as that. It's indicitave of how I'll be treated later on: without regard.

Conclusion: d-bag.

On a happy note, I was so impressed with my friend's son. He's 11 and just about the cutest thing I've ever seen. He saw me pull into their driveway and offered to help me carry my bags. Then he ran up and opened the front door for me. Warmed my heart a little bit. and restored my faith in mankind.

10. You might be a d-bag if.....you think you're the center of the universe. Especially after the 3rd email.....

Now, here's the thing. You are the center of the universe. YOUR universe. But mine, it has nothing to do with yours. If we've been dating for longer than 4-6 months, then maybe we can discuss the merging of the two. But in early dating stages, to insist that my life revolve around yours is just stupid. If you think your partner's life should be all about you, then you're going to wind up with a whole enmeshed codependent mess. Unless that's what you want, then by all means, go for it.

But that's not what I want. I want to be a whole person and an intimate relationship is only a piece of the pie. Don't get me wrong, it's an important piece. But a piece none the less. I have goals, I have things I want to do. I like to do things that you may think are stupid. I have friends, family, and a career to attend to.

If the tables were turned, you'd tell me to take a flying leap. How presumptuous is it that you assume that you are THAT important, that quickly. And if you are, then I'd say that my interest is fleeting and no more than a crush. I'll discover that I don't like talking to you soon enough.

The best kind of interest is the interest that builds over time.

Conclusion: d-bag.

11. You might be a d-bag if….you do any of the following: 1-10 above, ask me for money, contact me from a halfway house, tell me not to wear a certain kind of perfume, ask me to send pictures of my lady parts, lie about your job (wife, kids, education, how tall you are), or have a car that's being held together by duct tape. Yes, I'm a snob. So sorry.

Even reading this, I know how it sounds. It's full of generalizations and absolutes. But it is my experience.

There have been some great ones in there too. They are few and far between. So far, that I'm overly protective of myself and probably have missed out on some good experiences because I'm scared. Where have we gone wrong? When did it become okay to treat other people this way?

Ahh, I feel better.

Did the 4 of you miss me???

2011-04-07T09:17:00.000-07:00

And......I'm back!

Where did I go? I have no idea. My blogging love ebbs and flows these days. Some days I can't shut up. Other days, I have nothing (valid or otherwise) to say.

It wasn't until I read this next quote that I felt inspired to share:

Every human is an artist, a storyteller with a unique point of view. When we see ourselves as artists, we no longer feel the need to impose our story on others or to defend what we believe. We know that every artist has the right to create his own art.

-don Miguel Ruiz

Recently there has been a big hoopla over the liquor sales in the great state of Utah. I know, when is liquor NOT an issue here? Never. It's just in the news these days.

The idea is to shut down several liquor stores to "cut spending". And now, this nutter wants to take beer out of convenient stores.

(I'm all for saving money, but why would you shut down an entity that's making money? To save money? I'm confused....)

Now, believe me when I say, if you don't drink, GOOD FOR YOU. Good on ya! My experience tells me that it's expensive and probably causes a ton of unnecessary problems for people. It helps us make stupid decisions and look like idiots, and this is when incriminating photos and videos end up on the interwebs.

However, that isn't the point.

So I have a couple questions:

Is this issue really about alcohol? It doesn't seem to be. The older I get, the more I realize that most people don't impose on others because they care. It's simply because they believe they are right. If you disagree, then you are wrong. Or uninformed. Or you just don't know what is best for you.
Why is this even a problem? When did it become so important to be in control? When did it become okay to say that one person is right and another is wrong?

It's inspiring in a way that someone who believes so strongly that alcohol is wrong would go to these lengths. Okay, I can dig that even. I respect this opinion and everyone's right to have one.

The issue is simply that everyone does not share this opinion.

We're not talking about the problems that alcohol creates either.

For example, some nut job will probably argue that if we're going to let it run free that we should just let everyone drink. Let's just give it to minors then! Well here's the thing. There's medical research that indicates that our brains are not fully developed until our early-mid twenties. So when I say that I don't support providing minors with alcohol, and that I support the laws that prohibit it, it's based on scientific fact. It stunts physical and emotional development. It causes learning disabilities and issues with impulse control. What we're talking about, is our adult right to put whatever we want in our bodies. So should crack be legal? Why not? I'm still going to choose not to use it, either way. There is also strong scientific evidence that indicates that using crack probably isn't the wisest choice for most people.

Those who are trying to make it about the alcohol will inevitably bring up drinking and driving or alcoholism and it's effect on families or some other such and such. This indicates that these people are completely missing the point. No one is arguing that alcohol can destroy someone's life. But so can work. So can overeating. So can depression. So can driving and trying to talk on the phone or use your iPod.

Where's the evidence that over regulating liquor decreases people's use, decreases people's decisions to break other laws, or increases other alcohol related issues? I haven't seen any. If you have, please let me know.

In fact, human nature makes people want to drink more when you make such a big deal out of it. Chances are, if you would just shut up about it, people wouldn't be so upity. If you tell me I can't, I'm going to tell you to eff off and do it anyway.

How do people not know this?

We have become so focused on finding solutions, that we jump the gun and create something that won't work. Guess who's fault it is if they drink too much and then go out and kill someone? That person. Not the bartender who sold him that last drink before he walked out the door. Being drunk doesn't make you any less of an adult.

Not to be all therapisty, but even in a DUI situation, alcohol isn't the problem...it's the symptom....just sayin'.

It's not about that. How many times have I said this now?

What I see, and what has been so eloquently stated by the don himself, is that if we paid more attention to our own stories, our own bodies, our own lives, we would finally feel fulfilled to the point that that need to impose our beliefs on others would be eliminated.

Live your own best life. Do what is best for you.

What a concept. Live and let live. Because who am I?

NOBODY.

And the only person I am an expert on, is me. For me to tell someone that the way they do things is wrong is completely pointless. I can offer my point of view. I can offer new perspective. I can tell you what I'd do in any given situation. I can make observations and tell you what I think. But none of this makes you wrong. There is no wrong, there is no problem. If there is no problem, then you don't need a solution. It simply is.

If someone wants to drink, do drugs, work 80 hours a week, run 10 marathons, eat a whole pizza, have 4 wives, be homeless, or whatever, what right do I have to say their way is not the best way for them?

None.

None whatsoever. When those choices begin to affect me, then I get to be a grown up and decide for myself how I am going to pariticpate.

Because that's what grown ups do.

Passing laws based on moral beliefs that have little or no research to back up their effectiveness, is what babies do.

But that's just my opinion....

pop quiz hot shot....

2011-04-06T08:36:00.000-07:00

there's a bomb on a bus! what do you do? what do YOU do???

perhaps my situation isn't that dramatic. although i do loves me some speed. the movie, not the drug.

but i had to ask myself this question over the weekend: what do i do? what can i do right now? what would help this situation.

money. damn it all, money. here's the thing. i have enough. the problem is that i'm still paying for things back when i didn't have enough. add in the plumbing debacle and i'm a little bit screwed.

so, naturally, somethin's gotta give.

i have decided to discontinue my music class.

and something is pushing me to stay at home and reclaim my space. if i truly believe that a cluttered home leads to a cluttered mind, then i have hit the mother load. even as i wade through the stuff( i know i act like there's a ton, and there isn't really, it just feels like there is), the clearer my head becomes. i'm slowly realizing (for the millionth time) just how good i am at avoiding anything uncomfortable or painful. i avoid with stuff, i avoid with music, i avoid with food, i avoid by making my house something to complain about when it should be something that i'm proud of. it's time to construct my life in such a way that i can actually deal with my problems. instead of pushing them underneath the 39th project i have going.

**i know what you're thinking because i'm thinking it too: "so, you're having the same realization over and over and still haven't learned your lesson?"

yes. i know, i know. *hangs head in shame*

don't worry, the projects aren't going anywhere. they just need to be done in an orderly fashion, as in one at a time. also, i don't need all this junk. why do i have 2 sewing kits? really, why do i have more than a needle and thread? i don't sew. i don't plan on sewing. any sewing i do can be done at mom's or shannon's. or alair's. or at whoever's house who has a sewing machine. :) better yet, i'll get them to do it for me. haha, suckers.

music won't go away. it will be there for me when i'm ready and when i'm fully able to commit financially. in the meantime, i now have the tools to pick out chords, write lyrics, and do some awesome covers. and maybe pick that guitar up again.

but back to what instigated this change in the first place: money....

the root of all evil (and happiness).

but as i sat there on saturday and really looked at my situation, it felt good to make a decision. i love my class and i adore the people i study with. but letting it go feel so good too. something that is so fun shouldn't feel like a burden. that's why i sing in the first place, to feel happy and exhilarated, not anxious and stressed. it's not something i want to worry about at night as i think about how i'm going pay for it AND pay for all this other junk that comes from being a grown up.

i will return!

just now is not the time.

i have to do what's best for me.

ME. that's all i have. all i have is me. who's going to take care of me? no one. there's just me. and my cat. and she is NOT pulling her weight around here, the little terd. who is a nerd. and doesn't like birds. i need a nap.

eh. whatever.

2011-04-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

i have been a total slacker lately. i don't know how i let this tiny apartment get the better of me, but it surely does. and the worst part is that i don't care. i mean, i do care. but not enough to do anything about it. it's become clear that if anything is going to happen in this place, then it's not gonna happen on the weekends....

in fact, this is me during the week, while i'm making all my big plans...

and i do...i dream about it when i'm asleep, i dream about it when i'm awake, hence all these ramblings...
but then, i get home and this happens:

am i right or am i right?

bah. oh well. such is my life.
but onto the fun stuff! it's time for apartment therapy's "small cool contest".

what is this you ask? well lemme just tell you. it's a contest where people can photograph their tiny homes and submit them for prizes. i hope to one day, be able to get mine in there. we'll see. at this rate, i'll be ready for the contest in 2020.

i can't help it, i'm a nerd and i love this stuff. plus, it aides in the quest for finding room inspiration.

but since i have NO DOLLARS (insert anxiety attack here), i'm left to work with what i have for the moment.

which is quite a lot.

let's make a list. because then i can cross shit off.

and we're going to separate them into cleaning and decorating. lucky you you reader, look how much fun you're going to have reading this. i'm so jealous of you. and so embarrassed that this is all i have going on in my life at this moment.

cleaning:
1. day to day cleaning.
2. clean out under bed.
3. clean out closet. again. for the billionth time.
4. it's already time to purge the den again. AGAIN? really? yes. yes it is. time to purge the crafts.
5. wash windows, window sills, clean air conditioners. this kind of makes me gag.

decorating:
1. get new bed frame.
2. cover new headboard.
3. make curtains. i know, i know, this has been on the list forever and a day.
4. paint shelves, 2 tables, and nightstand, and bathroom cabinets.
5. rearrange living room.
6. make spring time wreath, since i'm not feelin' easter this year. maybe this should be first....

other projects:
1. paint WHOLE apartment. in this order: entryway, bathroom, kitchen, living room, bedroom.
2. paint kitchen floor.

sorry, i lied. there are 3 lists.
i know, i think big....

here's hopin'!!

mom quote

2011-04-01T10:08:00.000-07:00

seriously, i know that these probably aren't funny to anyone but me and my sister...and anyone who has met my mom, but i just have to share.

this next quote came from a few weeks back, i'd say february. all of a sudden mom looked at me and said, "i have to go to the room *dramatic pause* behind the red door....."

dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!

did you hear that in your head? i said it out loud as i typed it.

it's like, "behind the curtain" or "don't go into the west wing because it's forbidden!" or "if i don't come back, tell your brother and sister that i love them, but you will always be my favorite...."

what's behind the red door you ask?

the bathroom.

she must have had to go very badly because she was sooooo serious and her eyes were way bigger than normal.

i'm laughing out loud as i think about it.

it's official.

2011-03-29T08:42:00.000-07:00

i have become my father. now, those of you who actually knew him, probably already knew this about me. i have a habit of sticking my tongue out of the corner of my mouth when i'm thinking about something, my idea of a midnight snack is actually at 3 am when i get out the good cereal and a LARGE bowl and go to town. sometimes i want to drape a kitchen towel over the dishes as they dry in the drainer. what can i say? he was quirky and i really miss him.

another thing he used to do was file stuff. so last night as i sat and went through ALL of my decorating magazines, carefully tearing out anything that i loved to "be filed" i had to laugh. because it's true. i'm a filer.

now if i could only find that on a mug or something. there are no "world's greatest filer" mugs out there. i know, i've looked.

but seriously, there is a method to my madness. as i continue to clear out the clutter (@steph, i know, doesn't the tiny place look HUGE!? i kind of don't want to fill it back up again. i love the openness, and so does my head...), i have been looking for an inspiration room. something i can copy in my home. i wanted it all to be in one picture. however, i haven't been able to find one room that i'm in love with, rather it's becoming a combination of things.

this is where all that ripping and tearing comes into play. it's time to go through that stack again, to see what i really do think could work In my house.

if i were dad, i wouldn't do this second step. i'd label a folder (typed on an electric typewriter, he had several) and put it one of my 59 huge grey filing cabinets that i store in my basement. and who knows when i'd look at it again....

sadly, i don't have that kind of space or that kind of time. do you have any idea how long it would take me to line up labels in a typewriter? i'm not that patient.

so while i'm still looking for inspiration, i have chosen the only three new pieces of furniture that i'm going to buy. the rest will have to be searched for. but i just realized that there is a DI and a salvation army store right near my office. it only took me 8 months to figure that out.

so far, this is the plan. they are in order of importance.

the norrsten cabinet: $399

my new media, book, and "hide-everything-and-shut-the-doors" cabinet. so i can use my shelves for books. ahh, who am i kidding. so i can use my shelves for everything else. i don't have any books....hahaha

the karlstad love seat. everyone has this it seems but i love it. i've sat on it. it's the right size and feel. now, the white one is $379 and the dark grey is $479. i'm tempted to get the white one and then order a grey cover, an extra $139, just to switch it up a bit. but that brings the price up to $518. so, i have some thinking to do. it makes more sense to buy a couch with 2 covers for $518 than a couch with one cover for $479. but that's just me.

now, white?

now... or grey? i can't decide. probably best to have both. :)

and then, this lovely!

the west elm parsons console table: this will sit behind my lovely couch and serve as a console, desk, and dining table. i know it sounds weird, but i have a vision. it'll be okay.

now that i've posted all these pictures, i do think i'll get the 2 slip covers. grey for most of the time and white for when i get sick of the grey. i think that's too much white for all the time. plus, i don't trust my cat to not mess up my couch.

let's add this up shall we? i need to have a goal in mind. and thank you for listening to my rambling....as this post has nothing to do with anything other than i need to clear out my mind.

media cabinet: $399
love seat: $518
console table: $349

total: $1266, not including tax and shipping (the console table would have to be shipped.)

yeesh. although, when you think about it, that's not a bad deal for three pieces of furniture. everything i've heard and read about these three pieces has been positive so it doesn't make any sense for me to buy something more expensive.

i'll cross them out as i acquire them. :)

anyone want to buy some homemade handicrafts to support the "lets make kami's apartment adorable" cause?

i know you do!

sometimes....

2011-03-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

i really wonder about people.....

that said, let's move onto something more fun shall we?

fun as in shopping fun, which usually is what makes me feel better when i want to go batty. onto this little discovery:

be still my beating heart.....

this little beauty, known as the west elm blocked tulip duvet, has captured my attention. it shall be mine.

oh yes.

it shall be mine.

PICK ME!

2011-03-23T18:32:00.001-07:00

seriously, i have been trying to win a silhouette forever now. universe, don't you think it's MY turn???

please????

go here to enter. :)

Lessons, lessons everywhere....

2011-03-21T08:52:00.000-07:00

Regardless of the language we speak, our intent manifests through the word. Through the word we manifest everything; we express our will, our intent, our love, and our faith, which are all the same thing. -don Miguel Ruiz

The other day, after listening to my complaining, my mom said to me, "Stop puttin' that out there!" Whaaaa? Has my mother been listening to me this entire time? I kind of felt like i was in an alternate university, you know, where people listen to me and my ideas and then believe them. Not that she doesn't listen....you know what I'm sayin'.

Anyways, with her prompting, I was reminded that I had fallen victim to negativity. And I was certainly "puttin' out there."

For the whole university to hear.

Again.

For the bajillionth time.

REBOOT!

After this revelation, a few days later, someone then told me:

"I love how positive you are!"

Aww, thanks dude. It's a struggle.

I mean, it's EASY! Jeesh. I need to start catching myself quicker...

dear university,

2011-03-18T21:18:00.000-07:00

thank you for bringing blessings of love and peace to myself, my family, and my friends.

love,
kami

progressiooooooon, mr. burke, progression....

2011-03-12T13:25:00.000-08:00

i switched one of the words in that but if you still get the movie reference, then you're pretty neato.

like myself.

so i promised myself that i wouldn't blog until i had done....some...work, i can't remember. laundry and some other things that needed to get done.

just wanted to show you how far i've gotten.

let's take a trip down memory lane shall we?

whoa. whoa and a half.

on to "slightly better but still makes me want to poke my eyes out..."

and we're getting there, we're getting there...

okay, at this point, i'm starting to feel like i'm making some kind of progress....

and then....

BOOYA! okay. now i'm getting somewhere!!!

let me quickly explain the piles: in the far upper right hand corner we have a chair where all my leftover throw pillows ended up. they're still there because i'm not sure about my accent colors at this juncture. next to the chair, we have a box of picture frames, unused mirrors and lamps, as well as some possible items that could be repurposed. thanks to my new found ability to throw crap away, this box is all the unused decorations that i have left over. the rest have been donated or thrown away.

ahhh....sweet relief.

the floor! i can roll around one it! i can walk across it without stepping on something that is completely out of place. holy hanna, that feels good.

now, onto the next thing. i know i've said it a few times, but it's time for curtains in the den. and possibly some more purging. it feels pretty darn cool.

over and out.

Inner Conflict....

2011-03-07T08:02:00.000-08:00

The degree to which you cherish yourself is the precise degree to which you will be cherished. Have a cherishing thought about yourself, right now.
-Mama Gena

I love the way she talks.

In every self help book, the experts say that the beginning point to making long lasting changes in your life is to learn how to love yourself exactly as you are. To "feel good now."

This means that even if you hate how you are, you must learn to love something about it in order to move forward.

I have seen this at work. I have seen people learn to love and accept themselves as they are and then begin to move forward.

But...

How easy is this to do?

Here's my question: How do you learn to love something...that you don't...love? Doesn't the university know you're full of crap?

Somewhere, someone knows the secret to doing this and I really wish they'd share.

sunday sunday...

2011-03-06T11:07:00.000-08:00

da da da da da daaaaaaaaaa......

there's a little ditty for ya.

just thought i'd check in and let you know that i have done absolutely nothing else on my house. yes, even humiliating myself on the internet with pictures has not motivated me to do anything else.

until this morning. as i was trying to wake up, i realized that it's warming up. and you know what that means?

box elder bugs.

they are the bain of my existence and i hate them with every fiber of my being. but how am i going to be able to see them to vacuum up their grossness if there's all this crap on the floor?

it was a revelation.

and thus, my cup was refilled and i am off.

hopefully i can keep myself in diet coke for the rest of the day.

i have 5 loads of laundry to do, the floor to clean up, furniture to polish, and a fridge that needs some attention.

wish me luck. i've already decided that i'm not allowed to blog until all of this is done. i mean, i'm not allowed to blog again until all this is done.

period.

end-o story.

blurg.

2011-03-03T09:26:00.000-08:00

You don't need to know or prove anything. Just to be, to take a risk and enjoy your life, is all that matters. Say no when you want to say no, and yes when you want to say yes. You have the right to be you.

don Miguel Ruiz

Oh dear Miguel, how you read my mind some days.

I think I am seeking permission lately to just be. I'm normally able to do this quite easily. Some people may interpret it as lazy or not motivated, but really I can be quite content with things as they are. It doesn't mean that I don't have goals or ambitions, it just means I don't race to achieve them. Okay, there might be some laziness in there. But just a little....I really don't have the drive to be first or the best at anything.

I'll go on like this until someone or something infers that my has less meaning than someone else's. That my life isn't good enough, or that I'm not good enough. Which I'm convinced is the root of most people's problems.

They don't come out and say that to my face, but I can feel it. And if it's bothering me so much, I must agree on some level.

Why can't people just live and let live? I don't go around telling people that their lives are wrong because they're doing things differently than me. What is this incessant need people have to be right or in control? Even at the expense of other people's feelings?

I was just wondering.

At least Miguel knows what's up.

Wax on, wax off....

2011-02-28T12:59:00.000-08:00

Little therapist tidbit for ya's.

About this time of year in 2010, I was thinking about looking for a new job. I enjoyed my old one but I needed more security. The university knew I'd need some assurance that I was making the right decision and in group one night, I received it.

If you know therapists, you know we're all about experiential learning and conducting activities that make our clients think a little deeper than they're used to.

If you know anything about me, you know that Dave Matthews is one of my very favorite musicians.

So, I naturally look for ways to combine the two.

One of the simplest activities is to have people choose a piece of music and share it with the group. They talk about their decision making process, why the music is important, why the lyrics are important, what it reminds them of, and most importantly, how it makes them feel.

'Feeling' is almost a cuss word sometimes.

Sometimes I participate, other times I do not. It depends on how many actually remember to bring their assignment. If someone forgets, I'd always have one for a back up.

In this particular case, I chose the song "Save Me," by the one and only Mr. David J. Matthews.

Driving through the desert I met a man
Who told me of his crazy plan
He’d been walking there for 20 days
He was gonna walk on for 20 more
I said, “How ‘bout a drink or a bite to eat”
He said, “No, my faith is all I need”
So then, save me, save me
Mister walking man, if you can

You don’t need to prove a thing to me
Just give me faith make me believe
C’mon save me, save me
Mister walking man, if you can
C’mon save me, save me
I said, “Stranger if you please”
Save me, save me
Stranger if you please
Or am I too far gone?
I said, “to get back home”

How ‘bout you take a ride with me
We could kill some time, shoot the breeze
He said, “every whispering wind and second counts”
Oh, maybe if you walk but you should drive around

Save me, save me
Mister walking man, if you can
C’mon save me, save me
I said, “stranger, if you please”
Save me, save me
Stranger, if you please
Or am I too far gone?
To get back home

I don’t need you to stop the sunshine, no
I don’t need you to turn water into wine, no
I don’t need you to, to fly
I’m just asking you to save me

(You might try savin' yourself)
I'm gonna save me
(You might try savin' yourself)
I swear those lips shine
(You might try savin' yourself)
As it, the, the moon it shines
(You might try savin' yourself)
Why don't you, save me
(You might try savin' yourself)
Come on and save me
(You might try savin' yourself)
Oh, oh, oh, oh
(You might try savin’ yourself)
Why don’t ya save me
(You might try savin’ yourself)
Why don’t ya save me
Save me, save me

It's a catchy tune. It's upbeat, a tad jazzy, and it has some unexpected surprises. I do a mean air...drummer...to it. That'd work better if it was air guitar....air drummer?

I had an idea of the points I wanted to make. Have faith, or something along those lines.

But I never thought they'd interpret it the way they did.

After it was over and we got through the "crickets chirping" phase of group, it was a young guy who said something like, "That kind of reminds me of you. You try to save us but maybe it's time for us to save ourselves."

*These are not his exact words. But because he was giving an observation about me, I'm free to share it. Another observation about me: one time someone chose me to represent their "snotty older sister" in a family group. What does THAT say about me eh?*

What the what now? I probably did a double take, like the ones you see in cartoons.

He had heard something even I had missed. I was trying to relate it to them but I never thought they'd relate it to me.

As a therapist, we are very likely to lose ourselves in the problems of our clients, often forgetting to find balance and peace in our own lives. The funny thing is that the client doesn't expect that level of "commitment." The client expects a healthy and well rounded person to assist them in whatever they're trying to learn or do. I was not taking care of myself. I was immersing myself in the problems of others.

Basically, what he did, was give me permission to leave.

The student becomes the teacher. :)

And just for fun:

i've lost the bloggin' mojo....

2011-02-27T09:29:00.000-08:00

it's gone. among my other mojos, it's been missing for about a week now. i recently got my makeup mojo back thanks to alair.

note to self: don't go to ulta with alair. it's dangerous....i said that like michael jackson, in case you were wondering. and i'm just kidding, i LOVED going to ulta with alair because she knows her stuff. i walked out of there with some awesome shiz. i used to be so into this stuff, and now have regressed into a granola like state. i'm pretty sure my employer would like it if i stopped looking like a hobo. yesterday, my mom said to me, "wow you even have makeup on today!"

yes. yes i did indeed. *disclaimer: i do wear makeup everyday. just most days, i'd call it minimal...*

my house has been the major mojo crusher lately. it's not horrible. i feel fan-frigging-tastic about it after a couple of episodes of "hoarders". nothing is that bad thank heavens.

also a thanks to the heavens for my mother who continues to assist me by sitting on my couch and bossing me around. bless her for her patience and her insistence that i take 'one more trip' to the dumpster.

it's not that the house is full of garbage, it's just full of stuff. yesterday, we went through 2 giant tubs of therapy information that i've saved over my career. it's amazing to me what i learned in the first 4 years after i finished grad school. i found a folder full of letters from clients, including a letter that one client had written to his disease of alcoholism. he, like so many of us, chose his addiction over his relationships and ended up alone. it was a great reminder of the experiences that i have had over the years. as much as i complain and whine about my life, someone out there has bigger problems and is struggling with issues far beyond my understanding.

nothing in my life is THAT bad. i am grateful for the reminder. because i like to be dramatic and childish and say that my life is so hard when it really is not.

so let's see the progress.

holy crapanoli right? this picture gives me anxiety.

and this morning....still messy, but is that floor space i see?

on the list for today is to just...continue?

hopefully by tonight i'll have a kick ass picture for you. i figured showing you this would motivate me to finish....

happy sunday!

days 27-30

2011-02-16T12:28:00.000-08:00

i was doing really well at this for a while! i'm determined to finish. i procrastinate the stupidest things sometimes. i really wish i knew what is wrong with my thinking....

that said, onto the last 4 days!

day 27: a person i love. i love a lot of people.

err...that's a lie. most people irritate the crap out of me. i don't know how that happened, but it's true. most people drive me nuts. but there are a certain few that i most definitely cannot live without. first off, my mom. hello, if you know anything about me you know i love my mama. and so does everyone else. i love my brother and my sister. i love my besties. i love my cat. i love my extended family. i love my clients. i love my past clients (i wonder about them often), i love my nieces and nephews, i love dave matthews.

day 28: a secret i want to get out.

if i had one of these (a serious one) i highly doubt i'd disclose over the interwebs. all the little things i'm sure i've talked about at one time or another. i'm cool. that's all you really need to know.

day 29: testimony. of what exactly? i can testify to this: if it weren't for diet coke, thursday crochet nights, the fam and music, i don't know where i'd be right now.

day 30: hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days: get my house done. save up for my mom's 70th birthday extravaganza! learn to be normal. try to be good person. try not to go postal. make some music. learn to build stuff.

pretty self explanatory. :)

10-4.

v-day, dun dun DUUUUUNNNNNN

2011-02-14T18:55:00.000-08:00

doom's day, if you will. i personally, love AND dread it. perhaps dread is too strong of a word. it's a minor irritant now days. it's not because i'm bitter. it's because i'm disillusioned. let's not confuse the two.

i actually really like valentine's day. my mom (who is the best mom in the world and perhaps could see that i would a tad relationship challenged later in life) taught me that valentine's day isn't about dating per se, so much as it is actually about love and the ability to express that to others. the problem is that most people express it to their significant others on this day. if you're lucky enough to have one that isn't a giant idiot jerk face. medium idiots are okay. i draw the line when they reach "giant" status.

well, shoot. the romance certainly is lacking in my life lately. i try not to submit to the notion that romantic love is only for pretty people, but the evidence is pretty compelling. i hate to admit it but sometimes, i'm relieved when someone who the world considers attractive has relationship issues. it helps bring me back to earth. not that i wish relationship issues on anyone, i'm just sayin'. in this case, it's not just me. it's everyone. thank heavens.

onto the v-day love. when someone asks me if i have a valentine, i say i have several. my mom, my friends, my nieces and nephews. whom i love with all my heart and isn't this what this day is about?

i must say though, while it would be lovely to have a date with flowers and chocolates and love notes, i'm quite content to spent the holiday with my mom. i imagine that that sounds weird to most people. but most people don't know her. and most people who don't know you don't understand that you could probably spend forever with this lady and never get tired of her. she's the best. she is the most thoughtful and considerate person i know.

today, of course, is also filled with love day haters. what do some people call it? single awareness day or some crap like that. they too fall victim to the notion that they don't deserve romantic love. if the hater has a partner, often the partner doesn't celebrate the holiday the way the hater would like. i don't know how one could miss all the social cues that are flying in your face at this time. the stores, the commercials, the movies, the red/pink everywhere, it's hard to miss. i can see how the day may end up filled with frustration and disappointment, whether you're with someone or not.

so while i love valentine's day, it still irks me.

sometimes it feels like you can't win. if you're not one of those people who is blissfully happy in your relationship, then you're screwed. i was reading mama gena's blog this morning and she articulated what the real problem with this day is. she said:

It is one of those days–like Christmas–that can really set a woman up to feel like she does not have her shit on straight.

that's IT!

that's what is wrong with this day. instead of approaching it as a day (like any other) that you can express your love for others, it has taught us that there is something wrond with our lives if they don't look a certain way. it evokes feelings of envy and spite, some even saying that they're "boycotting" it. i don't understand how you boycott a holiday. it's going to happen either way, the time will pass whether you like it or not.

i used to be one of those people, until i realized how stupid i sounded. whatever issues we have with ourselves and our relationships, hating the holiday isn't going to make them go away. i don't know about you, but i have just as many problems on this day as i do any other.

so as i fight with myself about my love/hate relationship with this holiday, i inevitably remember all the family dinners where i came downstairs and had a small wrapped gift sitting by my plate letting me know that i'm loved and appreciated.

would i love the romance? sure. do i wish that it was like the movies? of course. i'm a girl. but one thing i realized is that most of that i can do for myself.

i can be the best damn boyfriend i've ever had. it appears that i'm going to have to be for a while, as most men just don't get it.

days 23, 24, 25, 26...and an attitude adjustment

2011-02-13T17:02:00.000-08:00

day 23: christmas memory:

christmas is not my favorite holiday but it does have its high points:

there are a few i can remember.

the one where i stained my new desk an awful color and we spent the entire break stripping and refinishing it. that was cool. the christmas when i was in the 3rd grade and had stopped doing my homework (because i didn't want to. my logic still makes sense to me now) so i spent the entire break catching up. the christmas's with rhett and kristen were the best, because it wasn't just about me. and...i'm a fan of this last christmas when i decided to give all handmade gifts. it ruled..

24: 5 things love about christmas:

my mom. she LOVES christmas and celebrating it with her is about the funnest thing ever.

the lights. they're everywhere and they're pretty. i'm often distracted by shiny things. and if they flash...

the loot: i'd be lying if i didn't say i love presents. because i do. i love getting them. i love giving them.

the love: just a lovely time of year. a good time to get grateful.

the parties: my family parties are...interesting...and fun!! don't even get me started about how much i love christmas bingo.

25: a place i love: any place near water. bear lake, the ocean, whatever. i love the sound, i love the smell, i love the comfort. i will live near the ocean one day. that is if i can get over my irrational fear of apocalyptic tidal waves.

26: a child i love: just one? i have about the cutest nieces and nephews on the planet. i've slacked on my aunt duties these past few years, so i need to get back on track. i have 13 nieces and nephews. actually, i have wayyyy more than that, but these are really the only ones i count. i also have a great nephew and a great niece who are pretty much adorable. here, i'll name them all for you. camille, stephanie, sarah, danny, megan, brandon, zack, josh, kaillee, ellie, kassidy, caleb, and kaitlyn. greats are kailey and clayton. phew. they're pretty great. they each have a place in my heart. kassidy will always be very special to me, as she was the 18 month old who saved me after dad died. she lived with us for a month and i can't even begin to tell you how much that helped me. oh yeah, my sister helped too, but you know what i mean. she was a year and a half and knew that she was there to save my life. not so much now. now she's a teenager.....okay, i still love her.... :) they're all just about the cutest damn things i've ever seen.

and the attitude adjustment. i whined a lot last week. and while i'm soooo sick of the phrase "work in progress" i'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

pipes covered and painted.
craft stuff moved back into the den.
office stuff in one....area...there's too much of it.

and that's just all i can do for today. i'm tired. time for a diet coke and the tv. i do love television...

"screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place..."

2011-02-11T09:05:00.000-08:00

in my perfect world, i'd love cleaning and organizing more than anything on the planet.

but i'm more like this lady.

looking at my house right now, you'd never be able to tell that i love a clean and well organized home.

and i do. but in addition to being one of those people who loves simplicity but seems completely incapable of it, random barriers seem to pop up.

so, personality traits aside, things seem to be working against me. why the opposition? what's the deal? i decide to paint, do one room and BAM, i'm out for 3 weeks?

lame. L.A.M.E.

that's the very definition of lame.

did i mention that i think this is lame?

every day that goes by and my house stays like this my anxiety rises. i know rationally that i can take care of this when i feel better, but when is that going to be?

soon i hope. before you see me on the news bustin' up the 7-11 because they don't have my preferred flavor of slurpee.

mmmm....slurpee....that may be what the doctor ordered.

dear university

2011-02-11T07:47:00.000-08:00

i know you're busy and all, but i have a bone to pick with you.

this illness thing that you're putting me through is getitn' OLD friend. i'm still coughing, my back is still jacked, and what the hell was up with yesterday? so nauseous that i have to leave work early and then sleep for 16 hours? really?

what's the deal? i'm tired of feeling like crap.

i want to clean my house.
i want to paint my walls.
i want to finish my projects.
i want to go out with my friends.
i want to do my friggin' laundry and wash my dishes without having to ice my back afterwards.

i'm not in the mood to be positive here. i just need you to cut me some slack. please for the love of pete, cut me some slack.

that is all. get the lead out.

day 22

2011-02-09T20:24:00.000-08:00

a photo of my family:

or, photos rather. there are way to many.

my adorable nieces and nephews.

my mama.

kristen and rhett when they were still cute. hahaha, just kidding, they're both still cute. but really, look how cute they were then!

my mama, sis, and kassy at one of my shows.

my girls. love.

my other girl! i love this picture. and her too!

my mama and my niece sarah, who i love to death.

my adorable cousins.

so, this is not my whole fam. i don't have photo's of them all. i'm lame. but this gives you an idea of how blessed i am. :)

day 21

2011-02-09T20:04:00.000-08:00

a travel story....

goodness, i don't travel as much as i'd like. i have been fortunately though to be able to see some pretty cool p laces, zurich switzerland being at the top of my list. :)

but the weirdest travel story probably would have to have been the time i drove to new york city to see the dave.

i had moved to baltimore for school. luckily, that was the year that the dave decided to get down with his own bad self in central park.

N to the Y to the C

awesome right? the tickets were free, and because i'm a nerd and belong to his fan club, they were super easy for me to get. i got them for a friend though, i wasn't going to go. after that friend decided that he didn't want them, i tried to give them away to a deserving dave fan. but he only wanted one and invited me to go with him.

i had no idea who this guy was but i said, "sure!" at that point in my life, i was in no position to say no to something so rad.

i can't remember where he was from even, but he picked me up at 3 am that morning. how bad is it that i can't even remember his name?

the plan: get to the hotel, take a nap, go stand in line, get close to the stage, see the best concert ever, and come home.

everybody got that?

we drove to new york (i still think it's weird that people can just drive to new york whenever they want) and stopped at the hotel where he'd be staying that night after the show. we took a nap and waited for his other friend (who had driven down from boston that morning as well). when she arrived, we got up and headed over to the park.

being a fan of new york before i had ever seen it, i still had no idea what to expect. it's huge obviously, but it's also...so....new york. which is like the opposite of salt lake city. it's fancy and loud and crowded. mostly, i just couldn't believe i was there. ahhhh young love....

fast forward to standing in line FOREVER. it was september 24th. still hot. on the east coast, still humid. needless to say, it was miserable. we were wondering what the hell we were doing by the time they let us in.

and after they let us in, there was a mad dash to get as close to the stage as possible. where we would wait some more. we were so packed in. it was so hot. my blood pressure is rising as i'm thinking about it...can't breathe.

but then the magic happened. they played for 3 hours. we'd been standing for about 12. why didn't we sit down you ask? well, there was barely room so we had to sit in shifts. there was over 120,000 people there.

over 120,000.

we met up with a couple of other people that we had met from the fan club who then gave me a ride to the train station. i want to say i made it there (thanks to my new friend regina) by around 12:30 that night. at this point, i had been awake (minus the 2 hour nap) since 3 am and had a serious contact high which resulted in the biggest headache ever.

there's pot at every dave show. but you're not so packed in at every dave show. there was no way to get away from the smoke, even though people were nice enough to blow upwards.

i remember sitting down on the train and thinking i was going to die.

but it was worth it:

look at the crowd. i was in that. look at how sweaty dave is...now magnify that by 120,000....it was disgusting. yet rad at the same time.

i got home at 6 am, called in sick to my internship and went to bed.

kind of crazy now that i think about it..... no way would i ever do it again. but it was super cool to have been there. it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. i'd talked to these people over the computer but i had no idea who they really were. they turned out to be awesome though.

i met up with regina three years later on the dave and friends cruise in 2006 (holy crap, that was 5 years ago. where does the time go? what in the heck have i been doing all this time?). she's awesome and has an adorable little girl now. i heart my dave friends.