We lost a family member over here last week. My sweet Aunt Jeanie passed away after a 9 year cancer ordeal. It's not something that was sudden or unexpected, but it's still very sad. She was my crafty aunt. Her prizes were the best at the Morris Family Christmas parties. She would tell me which ones were hers, as I'm pretty crafty myself.
My heart hurts for what her family can expect of the next while, even though she is finally able to shed the body that held her back in so many ways. I dislike it when people tell me my loved ones are in a "better place." I'm sorry, but a better place is here with me, thankyouverymuch. When people say tell others that at least their out of pain, I want to yell, "but what about MY pain?"
I've lost the ability to find comfort in the afterlife, as I am here. I don't feel guilty or selfish for wishing they'd never died either. I want those that I love to stay here with me. In contemplating death this past week, and subsequently getting sick over it, it occurred to me that Jeanie was fighting to stay here too, when so many others can't wait to get out of here.
It makes ya think. There are people who are fighting with everything they have to stay here on this earth. When we're bitchin' and moanin' about how hard life is, there are those who are literally dying who would trade places with us in a heartbeat.
Even though we may know this, we still complain that life is hard and that it's never fair. Who think that we are continually handed a raw deal. Who think that others have it so much easier. I'm one of those people a lot of the time. I try to not be but my bitterness and envy get the best of me. Sometimes, I even become sanctimonious, because if everyone just did things the way I know to be best, then my life wouldn't be so difficult. But that's not true. I know I don't know everything, even though sometimes I think I do.
Then I get a wake up call.
Then I'm reminded that most of my suffering is self inflicted and I focus way too much on the things I don't have. It's my attitude and my resistance to taking action that keeps me stuck. I sit and do nothing while others take steps and then I wonder why I'm not getting anywhere. I stomp my feet. I slam doors. I swear a lot. And yet....much to my dismay, nothing changes.
I can't be the only person who does this right? Am I the only one who does it over and over again? I must be a slow learner.
The whole point of this, is to remind myself that I can live my life or I can live my best life. There are people who would love to have had the opportunities that I have had. There are people who have wished for more time with their loved ones. I have those things now. I don't want to waste them wishing that my life was different. I don't want any regrets. I have too many already.
Then came Monday. And this video. It's not so much about death as it is how to stop feeling sorry for yourself and creating the life you want. I've watched this video 10 times already.
What other disempowering beliefs do I hold? I don't even want to type them out because I don't want to waste one more second on them.
I am in control. My immediate needs are met, and I am loved.
I think I'll watch it again. He's pretty darn handsome.