Since deciding to move the University stuff over to this blog, the inspiration has been picking up a bit. Maybe it's something in the air. Or maybe it's the barometric pressure. For whatever reason, I like it.
In my bloggy perusing, I caught up on a blog written by Dan Pearce, who is affectionately known as Single Dad Laughing. I love how he actually talks. I know right? A man who talks. About his feelings, no less.
I kid, I kid.... *wink*
In this post he addresses why he has felt the need to be better than and treat others poorly.
As I was reading it, I thought "This dude is me. Only he's a dude. He has a kid. I have a cat. Boo."
Some of the truths that I hold dear are the ones he speaks about. Like the one that how we feel about and treat others is a direct reflection of how we feel about ourselves. I talked a little about it here and here.
But it is one idea that I know to be true for me. A very simplistic example of this is when I feel sick physically, I don't treat others as well as I do when I'm at my best.
Same concept. If I hate myself, then why should others get to feel good about themselves? And yes, I have had this thought. I have been that person who wants others to suffer because I'm suffering. I have been that person who thinks she's better than everyone. I've even had a client point that out to me. In group. In front of about 30 other people.
It was embarrassing to say the least, but she was absolutely correct.
How funny that someone who only knew me for about three weeks was able to pick up on that. What does that say about me?
I was putting off something that said, "I'm better than you because of....." My words and actions were portraying a person with an over inflated ego. Not personal satisfaction with my life, but pride in that the only validation that was good enough didn't come from within. It came from others, after I had put others down. HUGE difference there.
I was not feeling good enough.
I'm still surprised at how many people feel this way. But when you take a look around, and you see people attempting to win or get ahead or be better than, it's pretty clear that this issue isn't just something that I deal with alone. It seems to be very widespread. It seems to be something that a lot of people have in common.
That's awful. That means that we are mistreating others because we can't find happiness within ourselves. We then perpetuate the cycle by abusing others, who then grow up hating themselves, who then mistreat others because they hate themselves...oh no, I've gone cross-eyed...(name that movie)...
We used to think we only hurt others if we put our hands on them. Emotional/mental abuse does not get addressed as much as it should. Nobody talks about the way they taught their children to loathe themselves, probably mistakenly believing that this would motivate the child to do better. Or how a bully in school (who's most likely bullied at home) can teach someone that different means 'less than.'
And here I am, talking about it for the millionth time, like it's brand new information to me.
It's not. I'm just human. I forget.
So how does one learn to unconditionally love oneself?
I have no friggin' idea. At some point, you decide that you're worth more than the suffering. If you get through all the negative mistaken beliefs that affirm you're a piece of crap, you find a person. A person who deserves love and respect, because you exist.
I can hear the arguments in my head already so I'll just say this: Yes, I really do believe that people should be loved and respected because they were born. In spite of what they've done. Some of us are extremely misguided and there are consequences for those actions. However, I'm not responsible for handing down those consequences. It's not always easy and at any given time, I'm angry with someone because of how they choose to act. But I know that these people do these things because they're unhappy with themselves. It doesn't mean they shouldn't be held accountable for their decisions, it just means I get it. The understanding helps me accept what is and choose my own thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
With love. Always with love. For myself, for my loved ones, and for the misguided (which includes me).
It's ALL I can do.
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