Oh the cuteness....

The majority of the time, I get to work with the elderly.  I had no clue how much I would enjoy it.  I thought it'd be fun and blah blah but I seriously am so grateful for the time I spend with them and for what I learn from them. 

My favorite thing? They're so gosh darn NICE.  Polite.  Kind. They can be in the most undesirable of situations and still tell me to have a good day. They still thank me for whatever I am able to do for them.  They are grateful for what they have, instead of doing what some of us do, which is feel suffering over the things we don't. Of course there are some grumpy ones in there, but for the most part, they're the sweetest people I've ever met.

I love that. So, because people these days seem to think that they need to protest everything, I am now openly protesting rudeness. 

Yeah.  It's got to stop.  Because being nice isn't rocket science. Or maybe it is?

Thus the need for my protest.....

I think it's time.  yes? 

By now I'm sure everyone has an opinion of Josh Powell and his choice to kill himself and his two young sons.  Even I jumped on the "rot in hell" train as the world was notified of this tragedy.  After a few hours, I realized that condemning the man to hell didn't make much sense.  Because from what I could see, Josh Powell was already in hell. Alive and all, and one of his own creation.

I think that's tragic.

My head hurts, all I have been doing is processing this event that happened to people I don't know, in a place I've never been.

And yet, here I am. Feeling the need to have my say.

One of my biggest pet peeves with human nature is when we blame those who are not responsible.  We do it in marriages, we do it in our workplace.  Nothing is ever our fault and if we try to account for our behavior, it is often because someone else has done something to make us react in some way.   It's like the husband who goes after the dude who's screwin' his wife, rather than deal with her and the issues in their marriage.  Drives me NUTS. 

"If you hadn't have….then I wouldn't have…."

"Where were her parents?"

"Why were you wearing that miniskirt?"

And my favorite:

"Why wasn't more done to stop him from…"

I don't doubt that emotionally people are needing to blame someone alive for this horrible situation.  We all have wondered why the visit was allowed at the home, or why it was allowed at all. Except, the answer to that is simple: the law allowed it.  Other than being "suspected" of killing his wife, and living with a psycho (his dad, who wrote incredibly lame songs, which is a crime in itself), Josh hadn't been proven to be unfit.  The authorities were in the process of determining that. He hadn't been charged with anything. Was he weird? YES.  Did he talk really slow? YES. Would I have let my kids near him? NO.  But then, I don't have a judge dictating that part of my life at this given time.

To condemn a system for allowing a supervised visit in his home is stupid.  The law allows this.  Many supervised visits occur in the home.  I've supervised visits in homes.  The system is set up to give parents many chances to see their kids, to nurture relationships, and it promotes reunification. It promotes reunification until the parent has been deemed unfit.  Which, he had not.  He had just been deemed weird and creepy. 

Of course people are going to wonder what could have been done to keep those babies safe. Everyone involved will wonder that until the mysteries of the Universe are explained to us.

But the bottom line is that the only person responsible for this mess is Josh himself. Sadly, there is collateral damage.   Nobody could have stopped him. If it wasn't Sunday, it could have been tomorrow.  He and he alone is accountable for this situation.  And yes, it is tragic. But not preventable.  At least, we couldn’t have prevented it. Only he could have done that.

Only you can prevent forest fires.  Sorry, this is no time to joke...

After the initial shock of what happened wore off, and this incredible headache set in, I realized that I was participating in the bashing of Josh Powell.  It didn't make me feel any better. And I thought, "could I feel differently about this situation if I come from a place of love, instead of judgment?"

Yes, I can.   

Anyone who goes to such great lengths is suffering in a way that I don't understand.  Please don't misunderstand.  From my standpoint, such a gesture is selfish.  My first thought was "that selfish f*****! Why not just take his own life?" If he truly was a narcissist, then it was a huge "Eff you! You can't tell me what to do!" to the world.  But I'll never know and the more I try to figure that out, the more I come from that judgment place.

Come from love.

I’m sure that there will be many that will disagree, but I don't hate him anymore. I feel sorry for him.

I feel sorry that the Cox family will most likely, never have the resolution that they deserve.

I feel sorry that the officers working on this case will never bring him to justice.

I feel sorry for Susan and her children, who all died for absolutely no reason.  

I feel sorry for the social worker who took those kids to that house.

I feel sorry for the friends and family who have lost their loved ones.

It would be presumptuous of me to assume that I have any idea what this feels like for the Cox and Powell families, and I'm not stating that those closest to this case shouldn't be angry. I'm talking about me, the general public.  As a member of the community, I can say that we don't need to be throwin' hate around.  Send love to those families. Send love to those officers.  Send love to that social worker (I know what it feels like to feel responsible for someone's death). Send love to Susan and her boys.  And yes, dare I say it, send love to Josh.

Don't be hatin' on me either for saying that.  If you can't send love to him just yet, send it to those who are hurting.  Be kind to people today. Treat people with respect. Tell your family that you love them.  Be grateful for those in your life that make you smile.  Be grateful for your health and for your clothing and for diet coke.

He is responsible for this. 

It's understandable that the Powell family are reaching in their justification of their pain.  I have no doubt that Josh was feeling pressure.  And with as stupid people can be on the internet, it doesn't surprise me that he was sick and tired of all the crap that was being said about him.  Because, as much as we hate to admit it, you're guilty until proven innocent.  Not legally, but in the eyes of the community (with their "honorary" legal degrees), he never stood a chance.  Even if he is innocent (which I don't believe, but I don't believe that bashing him is getting us anywhere), he lost his life that day too. 

Not one of us can say that we haven't been pushed to our limits.  Thankfully, for most of us, our limits don't push us to hurt other people.  But we've all been there. We've been at the point where we can't see any way out.  As humans, we are just as capable of snapping. I've seen people kill themselves before. I've seen people prostitute their own daughters.  I've seen people writhe and shake from heroin withdrawal. I've spoken to people who think it's okay to have sex with children. I've seen women try to get away from men who won't give them money to buy food for their children.  

To say that we all don't possess the capacity for darkness is ludicrous. Some of us are just better at managing it. Some of us were fortunate enough to have good parents who were also taught to be kind and to treat people with respect. I'm grateful for that every day. I'm grateful that my mother taught me how to understand why people are doing what they're doing, and that it has nothing to do with me.  I was lucky.

Josh Powell was not so fortunate.  It doesn't excuse his choice. It offers an explanation.  It helps me find understanding.  Lynching the media or the cyber bullies (those who think they can say whatever they want under the guise of anonymity, who I really think should get a life) doesn't take away his responsibility. It doesn't take away the fact that this guy had his demons.

Just like you and me.  Would we kill over it? Most of us would not.  But we are all capable of good and bad. 

This was of his own doing.  But I'm not convinced that there weren't influences that lead him to do this.  Was he born that way? We'll never know. I do think that people's personalities lend them to certain characteristics.  But having a narcissistic father, who teaches you from an early age to have no respect for women and that you can take what you want, how does that NOT influence you to make poor choices?  How does that not lead you to believe that you might be above the law? That you might be able to get away with murder?

I just don't know.  Perhaps that's the point I'm trying to make. Allow the families to grieve, to blame whoever they need to blame until they're capable of acknowledging the truth. But we don't need to participate in that.

If I'm coming from love, I'm choosing to love all those who were hurt.  Everyone who is suffering from this. I hope that they find resolution. I hope they find peace. I hope they move on. I hope the media lets them grieve in any way they see fit, even if it means blaming everyone but him for the time being.  They'll get it, even if it takes 50 years.  It's been 3 days.  Cut 'em some slack.

But we know better.  

Sometimes I feel like this:

That's me smacking my head.  I do this when I'm being stupid.  Do you ever take a look around you and think...what the what?

Well, I do that a lot lately.  Specifically in reference to my home. Apparently home management is difficult for me.  I don't even know why.  I'm such a pain in my own bum.  I've added a list of crap I need to do over there. *points to the right*  Hopefully, now I'll remember instead of having a gajillion sticky notes everywhere, the list is in one place and one by one, it will get shorter.

I have been following a blog written by a woman named Linda Wagner who made this statement in a video I watched recently. She said, "Remove the junk in your food, remove the junk in your life."

So with renewed motivation, I'm off to do both.

But before I do, let me leave you with this message from Del Taco:

Indeed Del Taco. In-very-deed. 

Wish me luck.

New item added to the shop!

New blankie!  I'm pretty much in love with this stitch and edging.  See the listing here and continue to peruse these crappy photos!!

Dear University, please let everyone know this blanket is for sale.  

Love, 

Kami

What do you say to yourself every day when you look in the mirror, when you are bathing or dressing or going about your day?  If you speak to yourself  in a critical, judgmental way, it's because you have learned to do this from others.  -don Miguel Ruiz

He's so smart. 

I am in shock at how mean we can be to each other.  Just another critical and judgemental behavior that we've learned from others.  The funny thing is that if you ask anyone on the planet, they'd tell you that they don't like to be abused.  But they allow it anyways, thinking that it's normal and worse, that the mean things are actually true. 

Boo. 

Hey that rhymed!!

In the midst of my entryway makeover, the one thing I've decided on is to frame a quote that reminds me of this.  I'm not plastering it on my wall.  Most of the time I think that's really lame.  Just something small that I see before I walk out the door to remind myself that I can believe lies or I can believe what is true.  I can hate myself or I can love myself.  I can be helpful or I can be hurtful.  I always have a choice. 

That's the kicker. 

My Entryway

Who knew such a small room could cause such a ruckus?  And who knew that changing the color of this room would change the feeling of the entire apartment? I sure didn't. But I kind of want to lay on the floor and just stare at the walls.

Because...

I painted it! I know, the laziest of the lazy, the girl who sits on her couch and tries to paint with her mind, actually got off her duff and gave it a go.

Mostly because of this awesome girl:

When Shannon said she was coming down for a few days, I thought, "NOW'S THE TIME!  There's no one else on the planet that loves a good project more than Shan.  No. One."

She was down and we got to work. She taped it all up and then I went to town. We used my paint sprayer. It freaked me out the first time because there's no on/off switch. You just pull the trigger and wait for something to happen. The first coat went on awesome.  The second one....not so much. 

So I had to face the inevitable. That I had to paint it the old fashioned way.  So out I went to buy real live rollers and other cool stuff that I probably didn't need.

I'm not entirely sure what my resistance to doing things the right way is all about, but I'm pretty sure it's laziness.  It's not hard, it's just time consuming. And I'm very inpatient. It's really time to let that go.

It used to look like this:

After 2 coats of paint, it's a totally different space.

Pay no mind to the basket of clothes in the background....and this isn't finished.  It's just an idea of what I'm going for.  I'm still not convinced that I love that cabinet in the entryway.  I'm going to live with it for a little while and see how it goes.

Now onto the little stuff.  Because I'm finishing this room BEFORE I move on. 

I love lists. A lot.

1. Fill and sand holes.
2. Prime and paint walls.
3. Paint trim.
4. Remove hardware from back of front door, clean and polish.
5. Clean out entry way closet (Yes my mom was right, I don't want a coat rack anymore and would like to actually hang stuff up in the closet.  It may mean a few sacrifices. P.S. Don't tell my mom I said she was right.).
6. Fix and paint closet doors.  They need a fresh coat of glossy white.
7. Create a shade for the light fixture. 
8. Paint hardware on closet doors.
9. Clean and oil door tracks. These are seriously disgusting. 
10. Create some sort of entryway table.     I think I'll name it "Slim." 
11. Decorate, not buying anything new. Yeah, this flew out the window when I realized I needed more supplies and that making my own entry table would cost just as much as buying the one i actually wanted.  But after the table and a new rug (I couldn't help myself), no more purchasing. Yeah, that's probably a lie too. 

After that is all finished, I can move on to the bathroom.  No more waiting 12 months between painting jobs.

Onward!!

2012

More talking, more listening, more reading, more writing, more creating, more sharing, more laughing, more hugging, more moving, more sleeping, more cleaning, more singing, more challenging, more learning, more planning, more traveling, more cooking, more growing, more watching, more loving. 

There.  I resolved.